It’s crunch time for this wedding o’ the century and Gwatt have started to discuss music. Obviously, I’ve already made the selections for the bull riding segment (basically this song on endless repeat), but the bride insists on focusing on the trivial things like walking down the aisle and the first dance.
If they would just burst out of the ground in cowboy-themed zombie regalia as I originally suggested, the song choices would just naturally fall into place. It’s like they are TRYING to make this difficult.
So being the best old married hag in the history of weddings (this star system or any other) I have nobly put together a list of possible songs to play while the bride gallops staggers while moaning glides down the aisle.
Let’s keep in mind the requirements so that you all can judge appropriately. It needs to be a song of beauty and of joy. With the first note, everyone who’s ever met her should wistfully sigh, “Ah yes – GWEN.” Most importantly, this is a swanky affair. They’re going to have regular forks AND salad forks. The song should be refined and graceful, just like Gwen.
Here’s the list. Vote for your favorite in the comments. Write in candidates are totally acceptable.
Since these kids are trying to keep things traditional, I don’t want to ignore the standards – like this classic from Queen. Personally, I’d make it slightly edgier and go with Spinal Tap’s version of the same message. Then again, I always chose Spinal Tap over Queen. Maybe it’s because I go to eleven. But it’s not MY wedding. So Queen it is.
But I want Gwatt to think outside the box, maybe expose the congregation to some new music – like this number. It’s a Dead Kennedy’s classic, but I chose a version by Nouvelle Vague. Because Gwatt wants a classy affair and anything with a french name is automatically classy – like Menage a Trois Wine and Pepe Le Pew.
When I think Peaches, I automatically think of Miss Piggy. But as I said before, we’re going for capital C Class here, people. So I”m suggesting one of Peaches slightly lesser known songs because of it’s haunting lyrics and subtle imagery. C-to-the-motherfucking-lass, baby.
My older (wiser?) brother Drew never passes up a chance to listen to Rick James, bitch! His top pick really reminds me of Gwen in her college days. I can’t wait to write my speech.
Thom got in on the action and, not wanting to ignore our southern roots, suggested Gwatt consider Skynard. This was his recommendation. If she takes my advice and enters on a sled pulled by six miniature ponies wearing white glittery cowboy hats and matching pony shoes, people might think the chorus is referencing the critters.
Am I missing any other jewels? I mean, other than the entire catalog of Eazy-E? (Which PS is also my stripper name.)
I, and my other refined bridespeople (one’s a dude – mostly), in recognition of our C-to-the-motherfucking-lass, will walk in to this song. I may or may not be rocking that same hairstyle – TBD.