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I don’t understand why you people get so excited about Fall. Sure, it has it’s positive qualities: apple picking, using the oven again, pretty colored leaves, Libra birthdays *fist bumps*. But nobody ever talks about it’s dark side – the evil, putrid underbelly of this mistakenly beloved season. Fools. If you ask me (not that you did, but [...] [My phone rings...] Me: Mwah time is it? Where am I? Rocco: Sorry Hon, where did you park the car? Me: Is it Tuesday? Oh wait, you’re driving? Rocco: It’s Friday. The buses aren’t running. Me: I think it’s on Garden. Rocco: K, thanks. Me: Be safe, k?
My favorite voicemail, which I just can’t bring myself to delete, is from my mom. There’s no greeting, no introduction, no pleasantries, just one sentence: “Just wanted to tell you it’s fucking snowing here.” Sing it, sistah. Someone please tell me that it’s not really still snowing. Tell me that all the white shit in the [...] I’ve got rock climbing on the brain today. “Really Elly?” I hear you asking. “I don’t really think of you as the rock climbing type.” Yeah well, just because I’ve never actually attempted rock climbing doesn’t mean I can’t still use it as the basis for an analogy. I’ve never been to space, but still I [...] Save your “oh but I LOVE the snow” vagina face for someone who cares. I hate Snow. Snow is dead to me. It’s simply over between the two of us. Snow and I will never, ever get along. Just stop trying to get us back together already. We were in love once, you know. We were young, [...] It would seem that I, Elly Lonon, am the only person on the face of the planet that doesn’t like snow. Well I just don’t. And no amount of cutesy photos of kids making snow angels or tweets about your dog’s icy paws is going to change my mind, damnit. So suck it, snow lovers – [...] |
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