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 Happy almost Halloween! I think my costume will be Flaming Nipple Sleep-Deprived Lady. I know, EVERYONE is going to be in the same costume and I’ll be super embarrassed but it just seems so much less work than crafting this bad boy… And no, I haven’t practiced my uke even once this week. Or last week. So [...] What happens when you mix a singing NPH with ponies, unicorns, rainbows and glitter? Only the best possible thing ever. Also? SQUEE!
Oh shit, multiple people have done it. DOUBLE SQUEE!
Heh. That pony said “balls.” Ok, one more. Because you can’t possibly have enough [...]  With each pre-baby project we finish, I lose one more distraction to keep me from obsessing about the impending obliteration of my bits and that whole feeding-and-care-of-your-killer-newborn-overlord thing. Not that I obsess. Ever. That’s totally not my personality. *pauses to adjust welding goggles hanging from life-sized cardboard cutout of NPH* But I’d be lying if I denied that [...] It turns out adrenaline and rainbows will only get you so far, Interwebz. When drunk on happiness, one should really not assume one can climb mountains with a bowling ball wedged between their colon and lungs. If one was foolish enough to attempt such things, one might have a monster back ache, ankles the size of [...] Summer may be over, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spend just a few more moments reliving the glory days of August…and the bizarre search terms people used to find this place. So pull back out your white pants and flip-flops, smear a little zinc on your nose, and ignore that chilly rain…at least for the [...] So why didn’t anyone tell me a Glucose test involved getting stabbed four times? FOUR. I look like a junky. Or a cancer patient. Or someone on dialysis. Or a pregnant chick that just had her blood drawn four times. I’m losing control of this analogy rather quickly. Speaking of things I’m rapidly losing control of, let me [...]  If I ever win a Tony, I sure do hope it’s a year when NPH is hosting. I’ve already planned my acceptance. First, I’ll lick my award – Paula Deen style, y’all. Then, I’ll forgo a formal acceptance speech and dedicate my window of time to presenting a clear, concise (possibly bulleted and with full illustrations) [...] If your Monday attention span is half as bad as mine is….did you say something? Huh. I could have sworn I heard did you happen to notice where I put my house keys? I wonder if Rocco remembered to forward the I haven’t seen Lucy in at least two hours. I hope I didn’t seal her [...] Thom: Thanks for stealing my line. Me: What line? Thom: The “stop raping my daughter Lifetime Movie” line. Me: I thought that was Chris’s line. *Our waiter drops off a pitcher of beer and a blond beehive wig which Thom immediately places on his head.* Thom: You didn’t give him credit either. Me: I’m sorry. Thom: And I never said I wanted to [...] The only thing better than drinking a pitcher of beer with my brother Thom is drinking a pitcher of beer with my brother Thom while we play with a cellphone some fool at our table left unattended. That sentence seems awfully bold on second read. To be perfectly honest there are probably a zillion things better [...] |
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