I was totally lost in the repetition of matching the paint roller’s rhythmic thumps to James Brown’s grunts as I applied a second coat of Sapphire Berry paint to the nursery walls. As I moved under the eave, I noticed a new sound. At first, I assumed it must be a construction noise from across the [...]
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 If I ever win a Tony, I sure do hope it’s a year when NPH is hosting. I’ve already planned my acceptance. First, I’ll lick my award – Paula Deen style, y’all. Then, I’ll forgo a formal acceptance speech and dedicate my window of time to presenting a clear, concise (possibly bulleted and with full illustrations) [...] If your Monday attention span is half as bad as mine is….did you say something? Huh. I could have sworn I heard did you happen to notice where I put my house keys? I wonder if Rocco remembered to forward the I haven’t seen Lucy in at least two hours. I hope I didn’t seal her [...] So long story short, suddenly I have to have the entire apartment packed up by Tuesday. As a result, I spent large chunks of yesterday dumpster diving for boxes. In other news, I’m a little pungent. But the moral of the story is, just ignore all the boxes and the ridiculously tall bed behind me. Also, [...] Next time I tell y’all that I’m going to sell a book, sell an apartment, buy a house, and allow an alien fetus to take up residence in my spleenicular cavity SIMULTANEOUSLY, can one of you slap me? In the face? And maybe give me a mean, squinty-eyed, disapproving look at the same time? But then [...] My apartment has a photo shoot today. She’s going back on the market so the realtor needs some glamor shots to include in the mail-order apartment catalog or something. (Yes my apartment is a girl. If I’m going to crawl up inside something and live there, I’d rather it be a girl than a dude. But [...] I’m quitting. Again. My wee Hoboken apartment has been on the market for four frickin months – four long, long, vacuuming filled months. We’ve received a whopping ZERO offers over those four fabu months. So as of this morning, my apartment is off the market. Uncle. The end. Stick a fork in me. I’m singing and everything. With [...] You know how I spend endless hours on the internet, searching for things to fill your life with joy? (Yes you! You’re my favorite, doncha know? I just had your name tattooed on my inner right thigh.) Well, I haven’t had much downtime in front of my computer, so I had to scour the in-flight magazines [...] I’m a little melancholy today. Don’t panic, I promise this isn’t all doom and gloom. There’s plenty of obscenities, ass smacking, unicorns, bunnies, and gangsta rap if you just stick with me to the end. It’s just been a funny week so I’m having trouble focusing. One of my favorite people on earth had a little setback [...] Have you ever read something really wonderful that totally resonates with you and it worms its way into your head and you think about it all the time but then when you try to explain it to other people they look at you blankly, then with horror, then slowly back away from you while you keep [...] |
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