Seeing as how it’s Pride Month and I’m in Chicago recovering from a 7am event (after a dinner event last night and a 7am breakfast event in Detroit yesterday) I’m just going to share a little snippet of a conversation with my little brother, Thom. We were out to dinner with Matt and Gwen in the [...]
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I’m a little melancholy today. Don’t panic, I promise this isn’t all doom and gloom. There’s plenty of obscenities, ass smacking, unicorns, bunnies, and gangsta rap if you just stick with me to the end. It’s just been a funny week so I’m having trouble focusing. One of my favorite people on earth had a little setback [...] I’ve spent the last five hours trying to convince myself I don’t need this. So far, it’s not working. My only hope is that something pinker and hairier will come along quickly and capture my increasingly fleeting attention span. (As per usual, that sounded way dirtier than I intended.) It’s all Gwen’s fault, of course. I was [...] So back at an under appreciated old married hag of honor in the mud… Gwen and I are butting heads. For some reason, she just won’t embrace my vision for her wedding. I mean, just who does she think her wedding day is all about? I swear… She’s turned down each and every one of my wedding dress [...] Me: Are you looking forward to your trip to Paris? Gwen: I guess so. I’m not very prepared. Me: What, like you’ve got no clean underwear? You don’t have all your vaccinations? Gwen: No, I haven’t read any of the guide books or picked up any French phrases. Me: You don’t know any French? Not even the lyrics to Lady [...] So now that Gwen is getting married, she seems much more committed to trying to fit in with the creatures indigenous to this planet. (Unlike Krista, she pees every fourteen seconds.) She’s started returning phone calls, attending social engagement, and generally embracing humanity again. She’s even decided to join Facebook. I suggested she try Twitter, but she [...] Gwen: Where did Matt go? Me: He’s tasting the olives. Gwen: SonofaBITCH! I want to taste olives, too. And I need help carrying these damn heavy squashes. Matt! Matt!! I need you to help me carry this, and I want olives too! Seriously! [Matt saunters over happily chewing and smiling. I pretend to be entranced by potatoes [...] Remember my tale of the kamikaze bird that scared the bejeezus out of my ass while in North Carolina? Can you imagine how crazy that would have been if the window had been open? No? I can – because it happened yesterday. I was running late (as per usual) to meet Matt and Gwen for the quintessential [...] BahROOSE I always forget just how much fun a Bruce Springsteen show can be. While I enjoy his records, I rarely crave his music or seek out a particular song. As an artist, I’m not sure he’d even make my top twenty list. That doesn’t mean I don’t love the hell out of seeing his ass [...] Oprah Live Last Friday, Gwen and I snuck into the Oprah taping live in Central Park. As we settled into our seats inside the lighting booth, I mapped out the best route through the crowd for when I pulled my Kanye. I rehearsed my lines for Gwen, “Congrats and Imma let you finish, but Phil Donohue [...] |
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