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I’m crabby. For multiple reasons. I still have pole burn. My fingers are cramping from tying four hundred and seventy two tiny black bows on wedding programs and menus. Worst. Period. Ever. I figured out I can’t fit my entire fist in my mouth. I can only make it just past the knuckles. Speaking of things fitting in mouths – after [...] I’m quitting. Again. My wee Hoboken apartment has been on the market for four frickin months – four long, long, vacuuming filled months. We’ve received a whopping ZERO offers over those four fabu months. So as of this morning, my apartment is off the market. Uncle. The end. Stick a fork in me. I’m singing and everything. With [...] You know how sometimes someone makes some obscure off the cuff reference to something you’ve never heard of before that makes your head really hurt when you try and comprehend what they’ve said and then you’re all, “You made that up,” and they’re all, “Nu-uh it’s for realz,” and so you get on the internet and [...] Mildred has arrived. She’s already ruling the apartment with an iron paw. She also spends a lot of time walking in circles around my neck which is mildly distracting – and a-frickin-dorable. She Totally Got Stuck I think she might be stupid. I can already hear you dog people, “All cats are stupid.” Well boo hiss to you. [...] I’m finding the whole space/time continuum thing really tricky today. Entire hours are disappearing right before my eyes and somehow I’m not accomplishing anything! *pauses to alphabetize “They Might Be Giants” CD’s on desk – tries to break world record for amount of time faux tap-dancing while seated – answers call from realtor trying to schedule [...] It’s kind of been a crazy couple of days. A lot has happened since my last ramble. I’ll try and hit the highlights…in order, of course. I read some seriously entertaining story submissions for my little contest. Want to win your very own Elly drawing? Of course you do! Here are the details. I bought a house. Technically [...] As I mentioned, I (and my gravity defying boobs) have suddenly been thrust (good boob verb, right?) into the whole I-really-have-to-dig-in-and-get-some-shit-done-and-fast world…and it’s kicking my ass. Hard. As exhibited by that incredibly well constructed paragraph and the brain sludge that is leaking out of my ears and pooling within these lace edged demi cups. I love you, [...] They weren’t supposed to leave until tomorrow, but that Mom o’ mine is like a horse. No, she doesn’t have disturbingly large nostrils and front teeth…much. Once she smells the barn there’s just no keeping her away. Also, I may or may not have worn them the fuck out. Mom’s seventy year old knees do not take [...] Yesterday morning I noticed that my cat was blue. No, I’m not about to crack a joke about the cold weather because a) the cold is not funny, we hates it and b) for reals, my cat is totally blue. Well, not the entire cat. There’s just a chunk of bright blue fur in the middle [...] BugginBoom So far I’m all about the massive FAILs this week. I know everyone is loosing their minds over all this holiday bull shit, but I can ease your stress. My holiday gift to all of you is to share my shortcomings so you can revel in my ineptitude and feel better about yourselves. Let’s see [...] |
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