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Gwen: Is that it? Me: *lifts bottle of breast milk, looks at liquid level, looks back at Gwen, nods* That’s probably not the nicest thing to say to a newly-breastfeeding, hormone-filled bitch trying to satiate all 10lbs of Paulie the Boob Slayer. Gwen: But you were up there pumping for like 20 minutes. Me: 20 minutes [...] I am the worst pregnant chick ever. “How many weeks are you again?” my friend Gwen asked just the other day. “I’m pretty sure I’m in the second trimester,” was the most specific answer I could give her. Thank goodness I signed up for one of those newsletter thingies that reminds me once a week how pregnant I [...] So just to summarize the week so far: I watched a “comedy” that left me sobbing, I forgot my vagina story, and instead of finding a loving supportive group, I discovered I’m one of a whopping three people that vacuums their oven. And I haven’t even told you about my cat Lucy’s latest debacle involving brussel [...] I survived the wedding, but now I’m off trying to survive the after, after, after party in some ridiculously tanned and buffed land called “Ocean City.” Since it’s probably not wise for me to continue crawling back up onto the roof just to capture this weak-ass pirated wireless network, I’ve lined up a few guest posts [...] The Lonon clan has descended on Maryland in anticipation of this weekend’s Great Gwatification, so I tricked my little brother into joining in on my ukulele fun. Turns out he learned four whole chords over the course of our four and half hour drive. For those of you not good with math, that’s almost a chord [...] Obviously, I really need to stop following this whole Juggalo / Tila Tequila thing. Then again, the frickin’ New York Times is covering it now, so maybe I’m more highbrow than I realize. That’s me, a highbrow gal that can’t stop referencing the Insane Clown Posse. I’m pretty sure this all the evidence we [...] Last night? Bachelorette party, baby. And yes, of course, we ended up at a bar with a mechanical bull. But I really need to talk about what happened BEFORE the bull. We took a private pole dancing class. And it was HARD. (That’s what she said.) Not only are my arms and legs screaming in agony, but I [...] Holy crap it’s August! That means the wedding of the century is almost here. I guess I should check in with that Etsy vendor to make sure the bridal saddle will be ready in time. I’ve still only seen the preliminary sketches so you’ll understand why I’m a bit concerned. Just in case the mechanical bull doesn’t [...] Learning how to play the ukulele is really cutting into my surfing-the-internet-for-really-weird-stuff time. For the record, it’s totally worth it. I’m having the best-est time ever. In fact, I’m trying to figure out how I can work Herbert into my old married hag of honor toast at Gwatt’s wedding. (Performing “Take a Letter Maria” probably isn’t [...] |
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