Well damnit, I’m still tired and crabby. Even after spending the morning scouring the internet and reading my favorite blogs, I’m not cheered up. Seems like everyone is wallowing in a little funk. So I’m guessing maybe you need a little pick me up, too. That’s why I’ll tell you a little something that always makes [...]
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Last night I spent over an hour watching a naked man play with his penis. Don’t worry Mom, it was art – in a theater and EVERYTHING. Technically there were two naked men. Interwebz, I gotta tell you they were bee-yoo-tee-full. (And that’s saying something because a buck-naked man is rarely an attractive thing. Why do you [...] Mom: So are you all ready for this afternoon? Me: Yup. The litter is scooped. The floors are spotless. The kitchen canisters are in the oven. I’m ready to go. Yes, the kettle is in there, too. Mom: The canisters are in the oven? Why does that sound familiar? Me: Didn’t you do that once? Then you forgot they [...] I really thought I was going to write about this article today. I mean, the title couldn’t be more brilliant – “Cleverest Women Are the Heaviest Drinkers.” I’m clever as all hell. My box of wine told me so. I’m so clever that after I clicked on that link and read that brilliant title, I turned [...] They weren’t supposed to leave until tomorrow, but that Mom o’ mine is like a horse. No, she doesn’t have disturbingly large nostrils and front teeth…much. Once she smells the barn there’s just no keeping her away. Also, I may or may not have worn them the fuck out. Mom’s seventy year old knees do not take [...] First and foremost, if you haven’t yet entered to win your very own humongous fungus, skootch on over here. You’ve got less than 24 hours to enter. May the best fungophile win! Second, thanks for the lovin’ on yesterday’s post. Good thing I’m such a hard callous bitch or you kids would have had me all weepy [...] Sometimes I wonder how well people really know me. For example, my sister in law sent me this email earlier this week: A friend passed this on to me… I’m thinking of Volunteering… not running in it. Although I was tempted. http://toughmudder.com/ Oh where to [...] My favorite voicemail, which I just can’t bring myself to delete, is from my mom. There’s no greeting, no introduction, no pleasantries, just one sentence: “Just wanted to tell you it’s fucking snowing here.” Sing it, sistah. Someone please tell me that it’s not really still snowing. Tell me that all the white shit in the [...] I rocked that bitch. Ass slaps and David Lee Roth kicks all around! Fifteen months down, seventy more years to go. Like a teenager who stayed up far too late watching a horror movie, home alone while her parents were away on business, I feel foolish for the past two weeks of worry, the frightful hours I [...] Save your “oh but I LOVE the snow” vagina face for someone who cares. I hate Snow. Snow is dead to me. It’s simply over between the two of us. Snow and I will never, ever get along. Just stop trying to get us back together already. We were in love once, you know. We were young, [...] |
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