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“Ah Ellen, you look younger every time I see you.” His warm, Lebanese accent was soothing, as it almost always was. Almost. “That’s just because no one else over the age of twelve would dare leave the house wearing their hair like this.” He shook his head and looked down at my chart. He raised his wooly gray [...] Apparently it’s going to take me more than three months to not squirm at the “m word.” And no, I don’t mean moist. So. I’ve been a…*cough*…a mo…*swallow*…a moth…*cough, cough*…a mothe…*ahem*…a MOTHER (there I said it!) for three months. Three months. THREE. MONTHS. (Hey, Jenny Slater.) Also? Please don’t expect me to call Rocco “Dad.” “Dad” lives in [...] So first? I love that you crazy people don’t even need me to write new posts to keep the site going. All you need is the mention of nipples and the comments just keep flying. Well played, you pony-humping freakazoids. Second, until I’m able to answer the question, “What did you do today?” with something more interesting [...] Doctor: So your baby is in the 90th percentile. Me: Fuck. Doctor: There are certain risks for a vaginal birth with a baby of this size. Me: *deep breath* Doctor: Even if you can pass the head, you’ve still got to contend with the shoulders. They can be damaged when we pull him out. Or – if he gets stuck [...] So it’s almost October – which used to signal apple cider, birthday cake, and Halloween for me. Now it’s the month where I dread the arrival of pink-themed merchandise and magazines filled with heart-wrenching tales of loss to breast cancer. And this year it’s especially hard because there’s been an awful lot of breast cancer awful close [...]  “This book was funny and filled with details that really made these stories come alive. Smart, intelligent, and hilarious collection of essays. Also, I learned a lot about vaginas.” No, I didn’t go and publish a book without telling you. I spent most of yesterday doing research on what other memoirs are out there, and [...] You know what really chafes my ass? Hemorrhoids. I’m naming this one Artemis. I’d estimate he’s about the size of a semi truck. I know, I know the God was a chick, but it’s my hemorrhoid and I’ll decide what his gender is. And HE is a total dick. Ergo… Of course, all the over-the-counter stuff used to [...] I’ve got no jokes today, kids. I’m more than a little heartbroken. And don’t panic – I’m fine (physically anyway) and so’s the parasite. But this guy isn’t. Most of you probably won’t even remember him. After all, that post is from nearly two years ago. Two years. That means two years of chemo and fear and pain and [...] How the hell is it June already? Did May even happen? Did the Rapture suck up a mess of hours instead of pious people? Do cell phones cause brain tumors? Oh wait, that last one is a little off topic. Blame Sprocket. Or just go read my thoughts on the subject here. Meanwhile, back to the post at [...] First the good news: not only am I still cancer free, two and half years later (WOOT!) I also had a magnificent dream last night where by future BFF Neil Patrick Harris and his partner lived in a bus next to my window and we played ukuleles together all night long in a desert while sipping [...] |
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