Search Optimization-ish

Brace yourself, Interwebz. It’s time to take another look at the underbelly of my BugginWorld. This month has been particularly…interesting.

where do classy people hang out in Buffalo”  First, we’ll just ignore the amusing idea that I know anything about class.  *pauses to pick nose and dig out wedgie simultaneously*  Second, I’ve known exactly four people that spent a large quantity of time in Buffalo.  While I adore 75% of those people, I would not describe any of them as “classy.”  Lastly, I don’t exactly consider Buffalo the cultural Mecca of our time.

gary oldman johnny depp mixed”  That’s only slightly less confusing on the second read, but much less disturbing.  Gary Coleman is dead, after all.  Gary Oldman just LOOKS dead.  Though now I can’t stop picturing the love child of Johnny Depp and Gary Coleman.  For the record, I imagine he looks like Fred Armisen.

how to say my penis is a flamethrower in german”  Ha!  To all you people that said if I only learned a single German phrase it should at least be a useful one, I say HA!  There are throngs of people frantically scouring the internet to learn how to say this most important of German phrases and I have the Google Analytics to prove it!  Do you hear me?  THRONGS of people!  Ok maybe its just one throng.  Or maybe just one person.  But that person?  I can HELP that person.  Here you go: “Mein pimmel ist ein flamenwerfer.”  You are welcome.

chicken vagina”  Dude, I’m all kinds of full of the wisdom today.  Allow me to further educate you, kiddies.  Chickens don’t have vaginas.  Instead they have a all-purpose “vent.”  (I strongly encourage you to not click on that link unless you really, really want to know about chicken vents.  Be advised, you can’t ever un-know such things.)  And yes, I’m totally seriously.  No, you don’t want to know how I know that.  Just remember my mother grew up on a farm.

meat cake bugginword” I think the proper term is beef cake, people.  I’m going to assume this is the same person that searched for “rocco’s vagina.”  And “objects lost in vagina.”  And probably “canned chocolate pudding,” too.  Weirdo.

protect your unicorn”  I don’t think I like your tone, mister.  Is that a threat?  You’re not the boss of me.  Why don’t YOU go protect YOUR unicorn?  Besides, you don’t even know where I keep Apocalypse.  Oh man, I’m sorry.  I’m sure you were just trying to be helpful.  If I hadn’t started that small cheese fire in the oven this morning I probably would be in a much better mood, but none of that is your fault.  You’re right, of course.  I’ll be sure to scotch guard Apocalypse before I take him out in the rain.  Good looking out.

vagina#=21”  Please tell me this is some quirky dance hit written in homage to Mambo#5.  How did you get my super secret password for all my bank accounts?  Now I’m going to have to spend the entire day coming up with something totally unguessable…like “vagina#=22.”

belly button fingering under a white opened shirt”  That’s kind of specific, don’t you think?  Have you ever really smelled the inside of a belly button?  Trust me, it’s not sexy.  I’m going to make a bazillion dollars when I find a manufacturer for my patented bellybutton cleaner.  It’s basically an electric toothbrush with the bristles on the top instead of the side.  Don’t go stealing my thunder and modifying your water pick into a rival navel scouring tool.  I’m already in talks with Axe Body Spray.  And the tooth fairy.

For the love of all that is holy, please tell me that’s enough of that.  Even I’m a little disturbed by this month’s queries.  Then again, that’s to be expected when this is the most visited post on your site.  *sigh*

Now that that’s out of the way, can we focus on the absolute most bestest search query on the entire Interwebz ever?!?!  Some lucky bastard landed upon AVapidBlonde’s brilliant blog by searching “vagina elly.”  Look out people, it’s only a matter of time until we take over the world.  And by “we,” I mean me and my vagina.  But you can come, too.  Hell, you already know all my passwords.


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28 thoughts on “Search Optimization-ish

  1. And speak for your own belly button! Mine smells like diamonds and tickets to that thing I like and the man my man could look like on a horse.

    I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that wasn’t my favorite metallic paint I was huffing earlier.

  2. All the vagina mentions reminded me that I’ve been meaning to share this glorious item a friend of mine found on Etsy. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve already seen one of these gems, what with the vagina/craftastrophe work that you do here, but just in case I didn’t want you to miss this masterpiece! Check it out: http://www.etsy.com/listing/52091990/vulva-pendant-all-tiny-and-sweet-mature?ref=sr_list_7&ga_search_query=vagina+necklaces&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=&includes%5B0%5D=tags&includes%5B1%5D=title

  3. Omg. Thank god you mentioned smelly belly button. Mine smells like fabric softener. I don’t know why and I did not finger my belly button cause that would hurt. I use a Q-tip then you smell the Q-tip. Don’t be judgy.

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