Heartache

My heart hurts.  My dear cousin Sarah has cancer.  Again.  Fucking cancer.

I know I’ve told you about her before.  She’s a force of nature, a beacon of light, a…hell, she’s just plain magic.

Me and My Mascot

When I was diagnosed, she was pregnant with her little miracle boy.  Despite her own trials and fears at that time, she graciously walked me through her chemo days (six months of weekly drips) so that I might feel a little more prepared.  She’s the visionary who gave me my mascot of Mrs Pacman.  She even sent me the handmade Mrs Pacman pillow that accompanied me to each and every chemo visit.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to convey to her just how much she helped me through that time, or just how grateful I am.  I also don’t think I can convey just how much my heart aches to hear she has to face cancer again.

She’s the kind of woman that would be so easy to hate.   She’s stunningly beautiful — thick blonde hair, piercing eyes, gracefully eyebrows, a smile that could instantly melt the polar ice caps.  She’s smart ass a whip, with a wit to match.  Her laugh makes you giggle, even if the joke is on you.

That being said, I triple-dog-dare you to spend more than fifteen minutes with the woman and not fall madly in love with her.  TripleDogDareYa.

My favorite part about Sarah?  It’s those arms.   She makes Michelle Obama look like a flabby mess.  I’m always mesmerized by her grace as she absentmindedly raises her arm to pull her thick bangs to the side and tuck a rope of hair behind her ear.  Those arms are so strong, so supple, so powerful — and they’re always moving.  Either she’s reaching out to help with your bags, wrapping them around your body in a welcoming embrace, or thrown high in the air in a physical expression of joy.

And when she tosses one of those arms around your shoulder, either in camaraderie or consolation, you can’t help but notice the intense heat that radiates from her body and into yours.  And your heart beats a little stronger, your brain feels a little clearer, your smile comes a little easier.  She’s magic, pure and simple.

She’s also an incredibly private person and she will most definitely hate that I wrote this.   But if I learned one thing from cancer…well it’s that drugs are good.  But if I learned two things, the second is how to be selfish.  And that’s what this is — me being selfish.  Because magic people like Sarah should have all the support in the world and I don’t know how to help her other than thinking of her, celebrating her, and asking you to do the same.

I love you, Sarita.  Mrs Pacman is on her way.  Say the word, and I will be, too.


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37 thoughts on “Heartache

  1. That is a killer pillow … of moral support! Sarah sounds like an awesome person. What do you tell a person who’s already fought through something once and faces it again?

    That’s rough, but hopefully with experience comes greater control to remain that strong girl that you know and expunge this cancer from her body.

  2. Thank you Elly! And I LOVE that you wrote this! It warmed my heard and gave me some much needed giggles! Send her on over 🙂
    Love Sarita

  3. I really fucking hate cancer. I’ve got three near and dear to me who are fighting the shit out of it right now and I still can’t even fathom the might it must take to kick it’s ass.
    Here’s to making sure that cancer once again gets it’s hindquarters whipped like the dog it is- and also huge hugs to you and your cuz.

  4. alright, i’m balling here. what a touching tribute to sarah and you don’t have to tripledogdare me to love her, your meaningful words were all i needed. she is magic and so are you.

    fuck cancer and the motherfucking cockroach it rode in on. in the face. you girls got bigger game and ms pacman will prove it.

  5. This was beautiful and so sad that it had to be written in the first place but I believe in magic.

    And the love and support that kindles it along.

    Sending over all of my best “wishes” Sarah!

  6. I’m proud to have fathered kick-ass Sarah Lane.I knew at Uof C San Fran that those eyes that pierced into Dr Aaron,the gastroentereologist was taking no prisoners.What is amazing is that this heronine of mine can also be the consomate mother of a two year old boy who will not know his mother’s real strrengths until he tests her as a fourteen year old.That’s why we call her wonder woman.johnny b

  7. You are magical. It’s hard to imagine someone more magical than you are. But I guess there is. And I can totally see why such a person would be easy to hate and yet the same time impossible to hate. {{{{{hugs}}}} In all seriousness, after Sarah threatened to take back Mrs. Packman because of this post, please tell her that she has lots of strangers rooting for her. With those strong, graceful arms, she is going to take cancer by the horns! You go and kick some ass Sarah!

  8. Smelly,

    This is the line I wish I had written….

    “She makes Michelle Obama look like a flabby mess. I’m always mesmerized by her grace as she absentmindedly raises her arm to pull her thick bangs to the side and tuck a rope of hair behind her ear.” Sheer genius.

    Well, Miss Perfect has some flaws. Her car is a little messy and she has an ice-chewing fetish….but that’s all I’ve got. Thanks for the tribute to Sarah. Namaste.

  9. Oh babe, you made me tear up big time. You have a gorgeous glittery heart. Big hugs to you and Sarah. Will now go and bitch slap the universe and tell it to get it’s shit in a pile, and sort this out, asap.

  10. Elly, I did not need any more tears today! I am so sorry to hear about Sarah- I know it means the world to her to have your support- and you completely understand what she is having to go through, again. Bless you both.

  11. The. Hell. I would think at this point cancer would have realized it is not taking you girls down!! Ms. Pac Man should speed the process along.

    As for a theme song……..I am thinking it needs to be the horribly cheesy, hard rocking, ass kicking, balls to the wall, “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister. Just a thought. It makes you cancer-ass-kicking ready, and the words have a pretty good “cancer, we are in control” message.

  12. Elly, thanks for articulating so elegantly what we all felt when we heard the news… All my love and good strong thoughts to Sarah and of course to you too!! You both rock the house!!

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