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Rocco: Why are you on the floor again? You know you can’t get up. Me: I have to paint under the window moulding. Rocco: The only person in this house that will ever see that unpainted patch of wall is Paul and he isn’t going to care. (Oh hey – did I mention I think the parasite’s name is [...] I was totally lost in the repetition of matching the paint roller’s rhythmic thumps to James Brown’s grunts as I applied a second coat of Sapphire Berry paint to the nursery walls. As I moved under the eave, I noticed a new sound. At first, I assumed it must be a construction noise from across the [...]  If I ever win a Tony, I sure do hope it’s a year when NPH is hosting. I’ve already planned my acceptance. First, I’ll lick my award – Paula Deen style, y’all. Then, I’ll forgo a formal acceptance speech and dedicate my window of time to presenting a clear, concise (possibly bulleted and with full illustrations) [...] Next time I tell y’all that I’m going to sell a book, sell an apartment, buy a house, and allow an alien fetus to take up residence in my spleenicular cavity SIMULTANEOUSLY, can one of you slap me? In the face? And maybe give me a mean, squinty-eyed, disapproving look at the same time? But then [...] Well it’s amazing just how much sunnier a girl’s disposition can get with two full pee jugs and a sales contract on her apartment behind her. That girl might even traipse around the house singing Kajagoogoo while eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. What? They have oatmeal in them. For those of you that haven’t had enough [...] My apartment has a photo shoot today. She’s going back on the market so the realtor needs some glamor shots to include in the mail-order apartment catalog or something. (Yes my apartment is a girl. If I’m going to crawl up inside something and live there, I’d rather it be a girl than a dude. But [...] Are other people driven to tackle home improvement projects anytime there’s a national holiday? It’s President’s Day, you say? Well then let’s repaint the bathroom! You’re hosting a Memorial Day barbecue, eh? Sorry, I can’t attend. I’ve got plans to tear apart a hutch and use the scrap wood to build a desk. So, as per [...] I’m quitting. Again. My wee Hoboken apartment has been on the market for four frickin months – four long, long, vacuuming filled months. We’ve received a whopping ZERO offers over those four fabu months. So as of this morning, my apartment is off the market. Uncle. The end. Stick a fork in me. I’m singing and everything. With [...] Mom: So are you all ready for this afternoon? Me: Yup. The litter is scooped. The floors are spotless. The kitchen canisters are in the oven. I’m ready to go. Yes, the kettle is in there, too. Mom: The canisters are in the oven? Why does that sound familiar? Me: Didn’t you do that once? Then you forgot they [...] Operation Keep Elly Distracted seems to be in full effect. I can’t count the number of amusing emails people have sent over the past couple of days with the subject of “made me think of you.” It’s some weird shit. My reply? I think that if that made you think of me then clearly you think I’m [...] |
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