"You smell like Craigslist." Oh how I love Glee. #
Oh hi Monday. Is that today? You really should have called to confirm. Today's no good for me. Let's reschedule, mmmkay? #
Oh THERE's the wall… *crash* #
I'm sure almost three whole non-consecutive hours of sleep is more than enough to tackle today. Where's the heavy machinery? Game [...]

I can't remember the last time I washed my hair in the bath tub. Well…20 min ago…but BEFORE that. #
As far as I can tell, the only difference between cat toys and baby toys is catnip. #
I'm in Hoboken…with a baby…mine specifically. Feels like I crossed the streams. #
They paved paradise and put up a parking [...]

Note to self: get giant recording contract, become superstar, then hire this chick to be in my next music video. — http://t.co/eYveU4F4 #
Learning the hard way that Thrush is not a bunch of guys with lisps singing Rush songs. #
Dear me, take a shower. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!! #
Because glitter is always a good idea at [...]

Neighborhood watch. http://t.co/ggJcDLxv #
Paul is growing much faster than Herbert. #ForTheLoveOfBoob http://t.co/wPZIQWzZ #
I'm thankful I can bend at the middle again. Pretty sure Rocco is thankful I finally shaved my legs for the first time in 3 [...]

"Dad, can you please press 'left boob start' on the baby app?" Seems I need a village AND several electronic devices…. #
He asked: "What would you like for lunch?" He meant: "What do you think you might still eat after it's cold and congealed?" #
I have that cheesy 80's tune "Hungry Eyes" stuck in my head. [...]

I just bought: 'Let's Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir)' by @thebloggess. So excited I could spit! http://t.co/SPX9m5El #
If I keep the leftover Halloween Snickers in the freezer with the spinach, they totally count as vegetables, right? #
Also? What is the plural of Snickers? Or are they like fish? I have that in my [...]

"You're not the only one who can rock a 'hawk, Maddox." http://t.co/iKAQcBws #
Had to open the Halloween candy and test for safety. Now we'll see if there's any left for trick-or-treaters. #notbloodylikely #
When the milk in question is of the breast persuasion, crying seems like a perfectly reasonable response to spillage. #ForTheLoveOfNipple #
Partridge buttons? Does is [...]

Benign! Take that, twitchy ovary. #
Turns out I wrote a eulogy for the wrong body part. Should have begun, "Today we gather to mourn the loss of Elly's nipples." #
My kind of pink washing! Save the boobs by buying sex toys. Well done, @toywithme. http://t.co/hUMpVWRe #BreastCancer #
Boo. Hiss. *looks at calendar*. Double boo. Double [...]