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“Ah Ellen, you look younger every time I see you.” His warm, Lebanese accent was soothing, as it almost always was. Almost. “That’s just because no one else over the age of twelve would dare leave the house wearing their hair like this.” He shook his head and looked down at my chart. He raised his wooly gray [...] Apparently it’s going to take me more than three months to not squirm at the “m word.” And no, I don’t mean moist. So. I’ve been a…*cough*…a mo…*swallow*…a moth…*cough, cough*…a mothe…*ahem*…a MOTHER (there I said it!) for three months. Three months. THREE. MONTHS. (Hey, Jenny Slater.) Also? Please don’t expect me to call Rocco “Dad.” “Dad” lives in [...] So first? I love that you crazy people don’t even need me to write new posts to keep the site going. All you need is the mention of nipples and the comments just keep flying. Well played, you pony-humping freakazoids. Second, until I’m able to answer the question, “What did you do today?” with something more interesting [...] Doctor: So your baby is in the 90th percentile. Me: Fuck. Doctor: There are certain risks for a vaginal birth with a baby of this size. Me: *deep breath* Doctor: Even if you can pass the head, you’ve still got to contend with the shoulders. They can be damaged when we pull him out. Or – if he gets stuck [...] I did it. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to, but I did. I would have probably chickened out if it hadn’t been for Rocco. And now I’m super glad I did. I went to see the new movie, 50/50. Just in case you don’t watch TV, or listen to the radio, or interact with any sort of [...] So it’s almost October – which used to signal apple cider, birthday cake, and Halloween for me. Now it’s the month where I dread the arrival of pink-themed merchandise and magazines filled with heart-wrenching tales of loss to breast cancer. And this year it’s especially hard because there’s been an awful lot of breast cancer awful close [...]  “This book was funny and filled with details that really made these stories come alive. Smart, intelligent, and hilarious collection of essays. Also, I learned a lot about vaginas.” No, I didn’t go and publish a book without telling you. I spent most of yesterday doing research on what other memoirs are out there, and [...] You know what really chafes my ass? Hemorrhoids. I’m naming this one Artemis. I’d estimate he’s about the size of a semi truck. I know, I know the God was a chick, but it’s my hemorrhoid and I’ll decide what his gender is. And HE is a total dick. Ergo… Of course, all the over-the-counter stuff used to [...] I didn’t go. For multiple reasons. I struggled with it all day, honestly. Each rain drop that pelted against the window felt like another reason I needed to go. But then I looked at Rocco practically sleep-walking through his one day off from work, trying to wrap-up a plumbing project so we could catch the train to [...] I’ve got no jokes today, kids. I’m more than a little heartbroken. And don’t panic – I’m fine (physically anyway) and so’s the parasite. But this guy isn’t. Most of you probably won’t even remember him. After all, that post is from nearly two years ago. Two years. That means two years of chemo and fear and pain and [...] |
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