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As you probably noticed, I’ve been a little off my game for the past week or so. There have been no references to glitter. I’ve broken three drinking glasses. My house is dirtier than Lindsay Lohan’s crotch. My fridge is emptier than Sarah Palin’s mind. Hell, I don’t think I’ve made a vagina joke in days. Yesterday, [...] I feel like it should be raining. The sunny day somehow seems incongruous with my mood. Maybe I just need some high fructose corn syrup or something. The Frugal Repast (Le Repas frugal) Yesterday, I went to see the exhibit “Picasso: Themes and Variations.” You know I love me some Picasso. (Just not quite the same [...] My heart hurts. My dear cousin Sarah has cancer. Again. Fucking cancer. I know I’ve told you about her before. She’s a force of nature, a beacon of light, a…hell, she’s just plain magic. Me and My Mascot When I was diagnosed, she was pregnant with her little miracle boy. Despite her own trials [...] In honor of Sunday’s run in with Mrs. Gloria Gaynor and because I will doubtlessly be singing this song over and over in my head while popping Lorazapam and drinking radioactive smoothies today, I present you with a couple versions of “I Will Survive” gone horribly [...] Just call me Grumpelstiltskin. I’m crabbier than Lindsay Lohan’s couch cushions and I can’t seem to break out of my funkagawea. Even reading a slew of vagina-related comments this morning on yesterday’s post didn’t pull me out of my funk. Well, that’s not exactly true. Apparently I’m just not in a vagina mood. When Britt introduced the [...] As I mentioned yesterday, in anticipation of going into an office somewhat regularly, I decided to get a haircut. I wanted something between my usual Super Cuts and the mad expensive Bumble and Bumble of my previous life. I strolled down Hoboken peering in windows, trying to find a salon that struck my fancy. I came across [...] I think it’s safe to say Spring is here – as evidenced by the copious amounts of mucus currently congealing in the back of my throat. It seems like Mother Nature is finally going to let me wear a pair of cute shoes as opposed to the galoshes and snow boots I’ve worn exclusively for the [...] I know I write about my vagina a lot. Ok A LOT a lot A LOT. But I still hesitated when SEXIS invited me to write a piece for their webzine. I went to my brother for advice. Me: I got a call back to write for a sex magazine. Drew: make me a [...] Dear FDA, What. The. Fuck? Up until about a week ago, I always associated the acronym HPV with genital warts. Ok, that’s probably not going to stop, but now I ALSO associate it with some freaky thing called Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein which is suddenly all up in the news (as opposed to the other HPV which is all [...] I rocked that bitch. Ass slaps and David Lee Roth kicks all around! Fifteen months down, seventy more years to go. Like a teenager who stayed up far too late watching a horror movie, home alone while her parents were away on business, I feel foolish for the past two weeks of worry, the frightful hours I [...] |
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