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Gwen: Is that it? Me: *lifts bottle of breast milk, looks at liquid level, looks back at Gwen, nods* That’s probably not the nicest thing to say to a newly-breastfeeding, hormone-filled bitch trying to satiate all 10lbs of Paulie the Boob Slayer. Gwen: But you were up there pumping for like 20 minutes. Me: 20 minutes [...]  So. Um. Hi. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not even sure I’m really ready to begin. You know what, let’s just start with a picture. Yes. Paul is here. And while I’m trying to comprehend the enormity of him – his size, the responsibility, the relief, the emotions – I’m a big ol’ ball of [...] Doctor: So your baby is in the 90th percentile. Me: Fuck. Doctor: There are certain risks for a vaginal birth with a baby of this size. Me: *deep breath* Doctor: Even if you can pass the head, you’ve still got to contend with the shoulders. They can be damaged when we pull him out. Or – if he gets stuck [...] Still. Pregnant. *head: desk* Last night I dreamt this kid came out weighing 50 lbs. I blame Thom for sending me this video.
Fucker. Fortunately, I also dreamt I was a professional ice skater, so I’m going to hope this isn’t some sort of premonition. Yesterday some lady at the mall I’ve never seen in my life started rubbing [...]  Seeing as how today is my actual due date – AND I’M STILL PREGNANT – I’m going to spend the day on my feet bouncing, attempting lunges, and trying to resist the urge to throw myself down a flight of stairs. Dad says that almost always induces labor. I just haven’t tried it yet because labor [...]  With each pre-baby project we finish, I lose one more distraction to keep me from obsessing about the impending obliteration of my bits and that whole feeding-and-care-of-your-killer-newborn-overlord thing. Not that I obsess. Ever. That’s totally not my personality. *pauses to adjust welding goggles hanging from life-sized cardboard cutout of NPH* But I’d be lying if I denied that [...] So I’m officially done leaving the house until I’m on my way to the place with the epidurals. I can’t even take a walk around the block without getting stopped by someone who wants to talk about the weather balloon I’m smuggling under my shirt. “When are you due? Do you know what you’re having? Is this [...]  My attention span is getting shorter than my length of time between pees, so I’m going to distract you with the fantastic-ness that people send me. First, the cute. Patty Punker gave me this. I was going to originally wait and snap a pic with Paul in it, but based on those latest photos of THE OVERLORD, [...]  Mom: So how did the sonogram go? Me: Ok. He’s only “slightly above average.” Once she was actually able to process what I asked, the doctor confirmed he is NOT Jabba The Baby. Mom: Well both you and Thom were almost 10 lbs. Me: I feel like maybe you’ve mentioned this once or twice before. Mom: I just looked it [...] I swear to you Interwebz, every morning I sit down at this desk and think, “How about you NOT write about this effing pregnancy today, Elly? There’s only so much people can listen to you prattle on about whether or not Fort Cervix is still on lock down. There has to be SOMETHING else to write [...] |
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