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Apparently it’s going to take me more than three months to not squirm at the “m word.” And no, I don’t mean moist. So. I’ve been a…*cough*…a mo…*swallow*…a moth…*cough, cough*…a mothe…*ahem*…a MOTHER (there I said it!) for three months. Three months. THREE. MONTHS. (Hey, Jenny Slater.) Also? Please don’t expect me to call Rocco “Dad.” “Dad” lives in [...] Brace yourself, Interwebz. I have to talk about my boobs again. For those of you desperately in need of a vagina fix (Heh. That was way more fun to type than I even imagined.), may I suggest checking out this link. (So incredibly not safe for work but still amusing.) Or this one. (Well I think it’s [...] “Aren’t you a happy baby? Yes you are. Yes you are! What a happy baby!” They cooed at each other while I aggressively scrubbed the yellow crust that had collected on a shelf support long before we moved into the house. I withdrew from the cold, white box, tripping over the cat before [...] I held the paper gown away from my body with my pinched fingers, like a pre-teen pulling at her sweater in the mirror, imagining her silhouette with breasts. “Oh for the love of nipple,” I muttered as I climbed onto the paper-covered examination table. “You ok, Hon?” Rocco asked, shifting his focus from the car seat at [...] Oh Interwebz, I mean to post more. I miss you sumtin’ fierce. It’s just not going very well. I’ve been working on a letter to earlier me for the past week or two. The letter was supposed to be all, “Don’t fret Elly, it’s going to get easier, if you’re going to clean the oven it should [...] I woke up this morning with pink eye. At least I think it’s pink eye. I’ve never had it before. Awesome. So like any overly-connected gal, I took to the internet in search of ways to fix it and prevent it from infecting all inhabitants of our abode. I found this: If you develop [...] Left Boob: This is it. This is the time it’s going to work. I can feel it. Right Boob: *snicker* Left Boob: No really! I’ve been working out – you know – pumping like mad. Paul: *latches on* Left Boob: Oh yo! Here we go! Paul: *whimpers, scowls* Right Boob: *snickers* Left Boob: C’mon kid, you’re giving me an inferiority complex! Right Boob: I [...]  I can’t quite believe I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m excited when a male I’ve known less than a month defecates in my lap while mauling my left nipple. THIS is why I never did drugs, people. Life is weird enough. I woke up this morning….rephrase….one of the times I woke up this morning, I [...] Gwen: Is that it? Me: *lifts bottle of breast milk, looks at liquid level, looks back at Gwen, nods* That’s probably not the nicest thing to say to a newly-breastfeeding, hormone-filled bitch trying to satiate all 10lbs of Paulie the Boob Slayer. Gwen: But you were up there pumping for like 20 minutes. Me: 20 minutes [...]  So. Um. Hi. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not even sure I’m really ready to begin. You know what, let’s just start with a picture. Yes. Paul is here. And while I’m trying to comprehend the enormity of him – his size, the responsibility, the relief, the emotions – I’m a big ol’ ball of [...] |
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