Pretend I Mailed This

Dear Friends, Family, and Interwebz,

Look what I made with my vagina!

I’m talking about the baby, not the shuke (shirt uke, obviously).  Though I guess technically my uterus made Paul.  My vagina wasn’t terribly involved in the process since he was delivered via c-section, but she did get the party started.  I guess we’ll just call it a tag-team effort.

I made the shuke, too – just not with my vagina.  She doesn’t paint.  Welding is her creative outlet of choice.  Do you know how hard it is to find a custom-fitted welding helmet for your kayak?

…and you thought I’d forgotten how to write about vaginas.

In a mere 12 months time, I finished the book, incubated an overlord, sold a condo, became a minister, bought a house, moved further into the wilds of Jersey, scored an agent for the book, hatched said overlord (with or without the help of my vagina), and (just under the wire) learned a small theater company in NYC is going to include one of my posts in the December 30th production of their Blogologues series .  Tomorrow I’ll be visiting my other favorite Paul (also known as Aloysius), who will hopefully tell me I can add “reached three years in remission” to that list.  Sadly, I also managed to accumulate almost 12 months worth of dirty laundry, dust bunnies, unanswered emails, unshaved legs, and unsent greeting cards.  Neil Patrick Harris and I are still not besties….yet.


It’s been a long, wonderful, terrifying, rewarding, and exhausting year – the best kind – and I wouldn’t have survived it without you.  I owe each and every one of a pitcher of margaritas.  Or seven.  And if it’s all the same to you, I think I could handle 2012 being just a smidge mellower.

Last New Year I resolved to be a possibility – something I try to remember every single day.  I kicked that resolution’s ass.  Imma do it again this year, too.  Just as soon as I start sleeping again.

Thanks for being a part of this crazy journey of life.  I’m amazed every day by your willingness to be a part of it.  May your holidays be rum-soaked and your 2012 possibility-filled.

It’s motherfucking-yule-time, bitches.  Happy Merry Everything.



26 thoughts on “Pretend I Mailed This

  1. Your baby AND his shuke are beyond adorable. Happy holidays to all three of you. (I’m including Rocco in 3, not the shuke. I don’t care if laundry if having fun or not.)

    Best thoughts for your meeting tomorrow. With all you’ve accomplished this year, holding the status quo will be easy!


  2. You seriously need to mail that card to people with that exact opening line! LOL I can’t keep from laughing. I am going to introduce my kids like that from now on. “This is the first thing I made with my vagina, Alexandra….”


  3. um. I have no gift. Could I play my drum for you Overlord? Pa rum pa pa rummmmm? Would you like some more, mi’lord? Pa rum pa rum pummmmm. You sure are cute, My Lord! Pa rum pa rum pummmm. Woulddd you like some rum? pa rum pa pa pummm rum pa pa rummmmm. Never mind, my lord, pa rum pa rum pum. Your mother would drown me in my ice bucket, but maybe in 20 years or so? Happy Holidays, Elly and crew.


  4. 12 months of unshaved legs? Whoa. I think you may have become a European woman this year too. There’s nothing you can’t do, is there?!


    I once neglected to mow my walkers for the better part of a year and I’ll tell you what resulted in addition my dampened sex life………..warmth.
    It’s like a downy blanket of comfort. A thermal underwear-like pair if hair pants, a … Okay nevermind.


  5. Question.

    When did I miss the minister thing? Because if that’s true, we need to talk for realz. Hit me up, shorty.

    Your vag is talented.


    True story. But I should warn you I’m not really qualified for exorcisms.


  6. OMG. And you included that big piece of news as a mere mention in a post????!!!!!!! Yes, Paul is adorable, but O..M.G. Your post is going to be staged along side that by Michael Ian Black?????!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the production is being directed by someone who’s almost Harry Potter. It cannot get better than this.

    In addition to being awesome, do you also have to be humble? Srly, lady? You are making all of us look really bad. At least be a pompous ass, so we can say, “Yeah, she’s talented and awesome and everything, but she is NOT perfect, you know…”


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