Oh hi. Yesterday was Monday, wasn’t it? I totally got distracted. That sometimes happens when juggling a rotting animal carcass in a wall, a bricked cell phone, and a possessed carpet cleaning machine. The good news is only one of those issues ended badly. The bad news is my bathroom smells like an exorcism gone bad.
Anyway, let’s just pretend yesterday was a national holiday or something, k? K.
Her: Hi! My name is Leslie! Thanks for calling [store]!
Me: Jesus, Leslie – you’re highly caffeinated, aren’t you? What’s up? How are kicks?
Leslie: Great! Thanks for asking! Now how can I help you today?
Me: Well see, I ordered a knife last week. This morning I received a knife. But they aren’t the same knife.
Leslie: Are you sure?
Me: Absolutely.
Leslie: Let’s look up your order.
Me: That’s probably not going to help. Dig it – we received this fancy block of knives when we got hitched, right? But we just moved and somehow lost one in the process – my favorite one – a 7 inch Santoku. I know that’s what it was called because I still remember the sales dude telling us how special those little divots in the blade were because they kept your slices of cucumber from sticking to the knife. I think my husband tried to hump the poor thing he was so exited. The knife I mean, not the salesman. Anyway, I’m very certain I ordered the right thing.
Leslie: Yes, I see that here.
Me: But that’s not what I received. All the product numbers on the packaging match up, but I’m telling you – this is NOT what I ordered.
Leslie: …and you’re quite certain?
Me: Leslie, I’ve been on enough dates in my life to know when something is really seven inches, and when it is NOT.
Leslie: I know THAT’s right.
Me: Say, is this conversation being recorded for quality control?
Leslie: I hope not.
Me: …and frankly I’d rather just skip the part where I pretend I’m not disappointed with the size of this thing. I’ve got better things to do today than give a paring knife a pep talk.
Leslie: Girl, you don’t even have to let him spend the night. Box him up and stick him on your front porch. I’ll have UPS pick him up tomorrow.
Oh sweet Jesus, that made me snarfle fresh coffee out the nose. I love Leslie. She needs to clone herself and work everywhere.
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Agreed. Also she needs to narrate just about every reality show on TV.
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girls sticking together is scary.
dig it. I miss you.
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You should see what we can accomplish when armed.
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I wish all Customer Service people were like this.
Most make me certain they’re the spawn of satan. And / or unable to understand THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.
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In other news I really want Jackie Chan to live in my house for my full-time amusement.
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I like Leslie. But she kinda scares me at the same time, though.
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You’re just saying that cause knives where involved.
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Amateur. I only use 13 inch knives. Now comes the part where we have the fierce debate over serrated vs. plain edge!
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Well duh. Everyone knows a 7 in knife would never make it through mammoth hide.
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haha… wish I had the same kind of luck when speaking to HP customer service over the last week!
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I hope they at least had decent hold music. You know, like John Tesh?
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If size matters to you I guess you need a hornet sword. And if need be, let your husband pronounce it horn-ay.
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*opens door to shed, takes deep breaths*
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I hope the conversation WAS recorded. Even if poor Leslie loses her job over it.
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Names have been changed. Probably. Shit. I should really think these things through…
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Like a sharp dick in the eye. With giggles!
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Last time I took a cock to the eye, there was little giggling. Ok maybe the next day.
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Dig it indeed!
You haven’t lost your touch, ladyfriend. Just your knife. Hopefully your new seven inches arrives and isn’t disappointing?
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Right. Can’t wait to call her up and discuss the lack of girth.
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Nicely played. If you can talk then out of a 7 inch santoku, I know where you can get a hostage negotiation gig.
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I’m pretty persuasive. Especially if I’m filling wine glasses.
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It’s like Leslie talks blogger or something. Now I need to go order the seven inches that’s been missing in my life
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Um, this one doesn’t come with a suction cup base. Just warning you.
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ouch.
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If I had a customer on the phone like you, I’d do anything you wanted, too!
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This is the best conversation I have read in my entire life. It makes me want to work customer service, or have something get messed up to do the same. Definitely will be linking back to it.
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Even the customer service people cannot escape your infectious charm. You should be their mascots. Quality will increase 1000 fold!
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