It’s May. A new month. One that will be sadly devoid of tequila for me, but a new month none the less. Which of course means it’s time to learn more about all the sick little monkeys trolling the internet that occasionally stumble into my little BugginWorld. And as usual, I’m scratching my head like a chimpanzee with dandruff.
“mini ponies sneezing glitter” Yes please! I wonder if mini pony sneezes are as cute as cat sneezes. Mildred has never sneezed glitter. Yet. Would it be wrong to mix a little saucer of catnip and glitter and leave it unattended but in visual range of my video camera? Has a cat ever suffered health problems as a result of glitter inhalation?
“i want paula deen to hold me like a baby” Now this is DEFINITELY a weird fetish thing. I mean, there are lots of things I’d like to do with Paula Deen – party, cook, lob sticks of butter off of highway overpasses onto motorcycle gangs – but I don’t want her to hold me like a baby. Especially since I just read this article and I’m still totally disturbed. But to the person that searched for “paula deen butter is everything bitch?” Let’s cuddle.
“bad ass hamsters” is there a “good” ass hamster? Like is there a particular breed that fur-ballers prefer? Great. Now I’m picturing Richard Gere in one of those neon green swimsuits, too.
“dares of things to put in your vagina” Well you sound about seventeen kind of special. I think I’d like to dare you to put an IUD up there. That sounds like a win win for you, me, and society.
“is it ok to have blood samples in my fridge” Blood samples? No. You don’t want your friends and family to know you’re THAT obsessed with Edward Cullen, do you? Now pee samples on the other hand? Hells yes! Preferably in large, orange, unlabeled containers. And if you can fit said container inside a larger, empty box of Franzia, even better.
“do giraffes need special care?” The miniature ones definitely do. You have to polish their tiny monocles at least twice a week. And they won’t use their tiny treadmills if you don’t spray them down with lavender. And lord knows, there is nothing sadder than a miniature giraffe with no muscle tone.
“what do arm buds do” Well dear reader, I’m fairly certain they grow into tentacles with talons at the ends that enable parasites to shred the host body’s lady bits as it bursts forth into the hospital and commences world domination by strangling all medical professionals in the room. That or they work like ear buds. Assuming the parasite listens with it’s arms. One of those two things. Probably.
Conveniently it’s Cinco de Mayo since you’re probably going to need a liter of tequila to get those images out of your head. Say, are you done with that margarita? Could I possibly suck on one of those salt-flavored ice cubs slowly melting in the bottom of your otherwise empty glass? Gosh you’re a peach, Interwebz.