Give Me An Orange Perm and Call Me Annie

Well it’s amazing just how much sunnier a girl’s disposition can get with two full pee jugs and a sales contract on her apartment behind her.  That girl might even traipse around the house singing Kajagoogoo while eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.  What?  They have oatmeal in them.

For those of you that haven’t had enough caffeine yet, I’m the girl in the scenario.  And I have the pee jugs to prove it.

Also?  This happened pretty much overnight.

This Might Be Why I'm Sneezing

I can see exactly two trees from my apartment.  The other one still looks dead and wrapped in a shroud of winter, but this little blooming guy seems to think the party has started and it’s time to put on flip flops.  Man I hope he’s right.  After seven months in shoes, my feet are starting to feel like Miley Cyrus’s leather legging bound crotch at the end of the European leg of her world tour.

Between yesterday’s accomplishments and the beautiful allergy factory across the street, my mood is so improved that I am able to almost completely block out the fact that there will soon be a third generation of little Rod Stewarts potentially defiling the musical landscape.  Almost.  *shudder*

And?  I have an orange pen.  When’s the last time you wrote in an orange pen?  Now every piece of paper in my apartment has “Look!  I’m Orange!” written in orange ink somewhere conspicuous.  Which?  It turns out is not something you should do on a legal document.

…and so concludes your real estate lesson for the day.

Of course Mercury is going to make this all super difficult, so I’m not going to count my newborn hedgehogs before they’ve burst forth from the womb all covered with spikes.  Or the chicken, egg, hatch thing.  Same diff.

Pardon Me While I Cross My Legs and Have a Panic Attack

So let’s focus on the joy that is my new orange pen.  Did I mention it’s a ballpoint?  So no matter how many times I sneeze all over it, the ink doesn’t run!  Aren’t the scientific advances of mankind just mind boggling?  I haven’t even tried the lime green one yet.  Expect a 400 page dissertation on the joys of lime green ballpoint pens by the end of the week.

Look Interwebz, I can’t drink and I currently don’t own a single pair of pants that fit me.  Well, maybe I do but they’re all in storage so who can say for sure.  Regardless, my open invitations to watch me sit pant-less on my couch while serving fruit juices have thus far not been well received.  So my social calendar is somewhat blank at the moment.  I have to take excitement where I can find it.  Which is apparently in orange, ballpoint pens.  And unicorn pasties.  But that’s a story for another day.

Today I’m just going to wait patiently for the sun.  Even if I have to draw it myself with a bad ass orange pen.

41 thoughts on “Give Me An Orange Perm and Call Me Annie

  1. Someday soon-ish, you’re going to really miss being able to sit pants-less on your couch by yourself. On the bright side, the fruit juice won’t go away.

    At least the pasties still fit!

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  2. So now you have to move BEFORE the baby arrives? And who thought this was a good idea?

    (and at first I thought you were bragging about your new orgasm pen. And that you were “writing” with it all over the house. I was momentarily impressed.)

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    What’s an orgasm pen? I want one!

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  3. Yay for: sales contract, orange pen, tree. Yikes on: hedgehog birthing.

    I love pens, especially orange/pink/green/purple ballpoints. I also love that the arrow in that picture is pointing right at the tree. Just in case someone tries to take it out of context and thinks you’re rejoicing over that parking lot back there…booyah! Also, the general statement of nature surviving in the concrete jungle (again, BOOYAH!)

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    I like it when you say “booyah.”

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  4. ahhhh… nothing like doing business while doing your business (in a jug)… in hindsight, you should have rocked business socks during. Go for the Tri-fecta.

    Who’s #1???

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  5. I got one up on Spring this year and started taking my allergy meds last month. So HA! Spring! You won’t catch my nose dripping this season! But then I ended up with a sinus infection anyway, which left me snotting everywhere for a solid week. I give up.

    Those baby hedgehogs? I love them! But I wouldn’t want to give birth to them. The hedgehog must have a vag of steal.

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    *sniffle* No decongestants for me or my swollen face.

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  6. When you get really bored, stick the pen in your belly button and see if you can write “Look! I’m Orange!” on the parasite, but it totally won’t be!

    Well, unless you mess up and have to keep scribbling out your writing to redo. There’s no white out in utero!

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    This sounds just like the plot synopsis for the new Ridley Scott helmed prequel to Alien.
    Except you’d have to use a cold gun metal grey colored pen. Cause, you know, the Alien is grey.

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  7. Orange pens are not as cool as purple pens, but pretty spectacular. The good news is your parasite will NOT be born with hedgehog quills, I can (almost) guarantee it.

    ♥Spot

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    My babies looked like hairy monkeys. I’m serious.

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  8. Haha, yep, in a few months you’ll long for that couch and some peace. And the days when your lady lumps were up where they used to be. And not leaking. :) HEE! Don’t you love when childless people get gleeful about pregancy? I’m such a beeyatch.

    Orange pen though, that is impressive. I’m still using purple or green. Blue or black? BORING.

    Congrats on the house sale thing!

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  9. I’m not sure I preciate you’re tone about mai new babe wit the hot latino you bitch my daddy gone pay for it and it’s gone be smart an reely bootiful and with like my dads hair and my grate figger and it’s daddy hot latin bod and it kin be model like me scroo you

    kim

    ps ma daddy hot

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    congrats on getting some of that Del Toro. I’ve been waiting for him to mumble incoherently in my ear for ten years.

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    I hate your dad. The end. Also? Just between you and me…I’m quickly falling out of love with that Veg lady after her last comment.

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  10. Apartment: congrats. Blooming Bradford pear: *shuddering* consolations. Miley Cyrus in leather & baby porcupines: eww. Orange pen: almost enough to balance the previously referenced atrocities. xo

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  11. Hearty congrats on the real estate victory, lovely one.

    As for the coming Stewarts…

    I have no words.

    Just a litte bit of bile which has involuntarily leaped into my mouth.

    ((shivers and checks ipod battery))

    – B x

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  12. The real estate gods have smiled on you. Now, go rescue Saint Real Estate. You don’t want to anger them. Maybe you can write him a nice thank you note in orange pen. While wearing the pasties.

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    I’ve been this far before. I ain’t banking on nutting until I hand them the keys and they hand me a check.

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  13. I am swooning over your recent good fortune. And I am gagging over the thought of birthing anything with spikes all over its body. That is seriously worse than expelling a pill containing a camera and a bunch of tiny aliens who are operating it.

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