Why isn’t never mind one word? Nevermind. Doesn’t that just look right? It sounds right, too.
But apparently Webster or Oxford or some other oppressor decided it needed to be two words. And no matter how many times I type it as one word, spell check never wavers. Nevermind is wrong. Red dots scream their protests, like picketing aphids. The little fuckers…
And what about sometimes? Why does that get to be one word and never mind doesn’t? Don’t they seem like they would be on equal footing in the great candidacy for one-word-ness?
Say ’em both out loud. Sometimes has that hard m in the middle that makes you pause naturally, right? You have to un-purse your lips and get that tongue all up on your teeth before you can move to the next syllable. Running those syllable together is harder to do than gracefully dismounting a charging rhino.
But never mind? There’s a rhythm there, right? You just flow from the errrr to the mmm. It’s like trying to separate where a river ends and a lake begins. If that ain’t justification for one-word-ness, I don’t know what is.
And while we’re not even remotely on the subject, why is there a springtime, summertime, and wintertime…but there’s no falltime? I checked, there isn’t an autumntime either. How about some standards, English Language? You and your arbitrary rules are frustrating me.
No, I DON’T have better things to talk about today. This is a very serious issue. Don’t make me punch you in the vagina.
Don’t even get me started on a lot. It bugs me. Alot.
Shit, now I’m running out of examples. Hold please…
Me: “Words that should be two words but aren’t or vice versa. Like vice versa for example. Or never mind and sometimes.”
Me: “Did you say kumquat?”
Thom: “No, I said cumbucket.”
Me: “That’s not an example.”
Thom: “Why not? Is it one or two words?
Me: “I think it should be one.”
Thom: “Google it. If it’s two words you have another example.”
Me: “Well shit.”
And what about cum bucket? How is that possibly two words?!?
I think I’ll stop while I’m behind.
But one more thing. Can I give a little shout out to RenÃ©e over at Life in the Boomer Lane for two seconds? She gave me an award yesterday. At least I think she did. I’m not really retaining new information well at this point, but I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. And she wrote my new favorite blurb. I’m having it printed on my business cards from now on. Also I kind of want to hump her face. In the non-sexual way of course. Otherwise it would be weird and awkward. *nervous laughter, shifty eyes*
She is a gifted writer even though most of the words she uses consist of uke (which she plays beautifully, while she sings beautifully) and vagina (which gives her an enormous amount of pleasure to have) and uterus (which now houses a mini male or female version of Elly) and poop. I think Elly is really funny, in that way that makes you really grateful you are out of school and not sitting next to her in fifth grade.
So if you’re looking for coherent today, go read RenÃ©e. Definitely stay away from my piece at Sprocket Ink. Also stay away from singing baby dolls in dark alleys at 2am. That’s just good advice for any day. You’re welcome.