I’m an Incubator

Technically I’m not supposed to talk about this yet.  That’s what all the books say.  But I tell you people when I have a yeast infection or a funny smelling belly button.  How am I not going to tell you that this happened?

Who Says Girls Can't Aim

I know.  The fuck.  Actually “the fuck” is what got me into this situation I suppose.

And yes, there’s still a lot that could go horribly, horribly wrong.  I know that.  And I keep telling myself that the worst thing all those leftover chemo drugs could do would be give the little alien superhero powers, right?  And honestly, if something bad happens, I’m probably going to want to talk about that, too.  So it’s better to just stick with my usual approach to life and projectile vomit all my thoughts, right?

The only thing harder than not telling people, is figuring out how to tell people.  Apparently I suck at it.  That or my friends aren’t real bright.  You decide.

Me:  So you know how I have a tendency to grow strange things in my body that then somehow have to be removed from my body in generally unpleasant ways?

Gwen:  Oh God no.

Me:  Oh no!  No more cancer, pookie.  I just have a parasite.

Gwen:  Oh thank God.  You scared me.  Wait…a what?  What kind of parasite?

Me:  Its in my uterus.

Gwen:  Who the hell gets a parasite in their uterus?  Are you making that up?  What did you do?  How did it get there?

Me:  Um, Rocco put it there.

*crickets*

Gwen:  Oh.

Rocco’s a little better at it.

Rocco:  I knocked your sister up.

Thom: Way to use the front hole.

We’re doomed, Interwebz.

Don’t panic.  I have no intention of getting all mommy blogger on you (not that there’s anything wrong with that – cue the hate mail).  I just might have to occasionally share little anecdotes about how fucking weird this is.  I mean, I’ve always thought of my vagina as a punch line…not a “birth canal” or a “portal through which alien life forms will enter our universe and overpower the human race.”

Can you tell I’m having trouble processing.

For example, I signed up for one of those newsletter things that emails you every week to tell you what’s happening in your portal…er uterus, right?  This one just came today:

I know, it’s really hard to read.  Let me summarize the contents for you.  It says I have a tiny blue smurf.  With fins.  And a tail.  In my uterus.

And it’s doubling in size each week.

The fuck.

On the upside, I’m pretty sure it’s Rocco’s.  I sure hope so since he’s already referring to it as his “fuck trophy.”

Did I mention yet how very doomed we are?

97 comments to I’m an Incubator

  • My heart is doing a happy dance for you.

    [Reply]

    My colon is doing the dance of the seven veils. And thanks. :)

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    Nice job. The world needs more funny people who write. Enjoy……………

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  • KG

    OH MY GOSH!! I AM SOFA KING EXCITED FOR YOU!! I am in tears. why are you always making me cry? I would blame pregnancy for my over emotional tendancies, but I’m not pregs, I’m just a pussy.

    Congratulations!

    [Reply]

    I’m Sofa King gonna steal that line!

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  • Alien Host.

    That. Is. All.

    (except for the CONGRATULATIONS crap)

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  • I have such a way with words.

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    One of the many reasons I lurv you. That and the way you have with play-doh.

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  • I’m a Mom and I blog, but I don’t really Mommy blog. So don’t worry. It can be done. My blog is mine. My kids already get into everything.

    Otherwise, HOLY CRAP! Exciting!!!

    Also be careful with the babycenter. There are some ravenous parenting boards there. I got kicked off and joined a fringe group of ex babycenter moms. Hehe. But their preggo updates are awesome!

    Yay! You get to act like a lunatic for 9 months and get everything you want all of the time!!! And barf. Sorry about the barfing thing.

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    Shit. I’m supposed to be reading boards? I got a book from the library and made an appointment with a vagina analyzer. I’m supposed to do MORE than that?

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    No. You don’t need to read any boards. If you have any questions, just ask me. I’ve done it 4 times. Think of me as your new online doula.

    I know. I can’t believe what a good idea this is, either.

    [Reply]

    Michelle, meet my vagina. Vagina, meet Michelle.

    [Reply]

    *shakes vagina’s hand*

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  • Also, your pee is sunshine yellow.

    That is all.

    [Reply]

    It’s like sunlight on my shower floor. You are so right.

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  • I guess it really has been a long cold snowy winter there…

    Congratulations :)

    [Reply]

    Brown chicken, brown cow. *blushes*

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  • Congratulations, you two! And just think how much fun it will be to decorate the baby’s room with unicorns and rainbows!

    [Reply]

    Space Unicorn! Marshmallow lasers are gender neutral, right?

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  • YAY! Congratulations! What a lovely picture of a pissed on stick!

    If he/she/it’s first word is fucktwophy will Rocco be cheering?

    [Reply]

    He’ll cry. That man can’t stop crying. It’d be cute if I wasn’t worried the tiny blue superhero is already using mind control on the poor bastard.

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  • Holy crap! Congrats on becoming a host of a parasitic-alien-future-overlord-of-mankind.

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    Save me a seat on the escape pod, ok?

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  • Congratulations. Good wishes to the coming new family member.

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  • sorry about tagging you a few months ago… I never apologized. You probably don’t remember. Regardless, a mechanical bull wasn’t going to be very effective for prevention although my voodoo powers are obviously intact. I just hate to be alone.

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    And I see that you subscribed to the weekly vessel reminder… the “oh yeah” email always throws my denial skills for a loop. Hugs.

    [Reply]

    I like that they’re all…”so you’re already fat, eh?”

    [Reply]

  • oh my god oh my god oh my god.

    Also

    baby ukulele.

    [Reply]

    Shit. It’s blue. Herbert is blue. Don’t tell Rocco, k?

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  • I’d totally belly-bump you right now, but I’m worried it might harm the fuck trophy. So how ’bout we just headbutt?

    YEAH!

    [Reply]

    Sure! It’ll be nice to switch it up and stop banging it against this brick wall for a little bit.

    [Reply]

  • Well hell! CONGRATS TO YOU! Normally I’m violently anti-mini humans but in your case I make an exception because, any being coming out of you HAS to be awesome. And warped. And full of potential win. Therefore, score.

    I’m a bit behind with the blogs this week so I’m late to the party but YAY! :)

    [Reply]

    Don’t worry, we’ll keep it in it’s cage when you come to visit for a uke-athon.

    [Reply]

  • Holy Fucking Yay! That’s great! I loved E.T. It’s like that, except there’s more crying. But you might, if you’re like me, find your little alien hidden in a closet full of stuffed animals someday.

    Seriously, fabulous news. Congrats.

    And, mommy bloggers aren’t all bad.

    And, loved the BabyCenter weekly updates. Never joined a single forum or message board. I’m too cool for that shit. I like to just fly by the seat of my pants and make all of my parenting mistakes blindly.

    Cyber hugz.

    [Reply]

    No, they aren’t all bad. Unless you’re talking about those roving gangs of Mommy Bloggers that troll down along the water with their pipes and chains. Those bitches are ALL bad.

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  • Congratulations! I think you and Rocco will make great parents. PLUS – remember everytime you worry about making a mistake that it is good thing – your kids do better when they grow up with a sense of humor! :) Deep breaths, smile and ginger will help with nausea and babysitters help with the headaches. LMBO!

    [Reply]

    …and narcotics will help with the paralyzing fear, right?

    [Reply]

  • Super huge smooches and hugs. I love it when witty, intelligent sarcastic people breed!! It makes my world a better place. For real. Because then I know there will be people out there to understand me.

    Being pregnant is weird. No doubt. And you nailed it with the parasite thing. But it’s worth it. And who knows? You might have enough material to write a book about it. And I’d read it cover to fucking cover even though I’m all done with incubating.

    Loves,
    ♥Spot

    [Reply]

    Crap. I gotta write another book, too? It’ll be interesting to see which hatches first, the book or the babe.

    [Reply]

  • Congrats, congrats, congrats x 3,427!!!

    [Reply]

    *slurp*

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  • First, congratulations honey. :)

    Second, I’m a mom. I am NOT a mommy blogger. Eff that shit in the ahole.

    Third, If Rocco HAD effed that shit in the ahole, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Just sayin’.

    Fourth, *claps hands* I can’t wait until you go all batshit preggo cranky and start beating up bitches on the street, hosting your own carpentry show, and THEN actually go into labor…whereupon they will give you lots and lots of glorious drugs and your vagina will be seen by many random strangers. That’s so much funsies. ;)

    Fifth, no really. Congratulations. :)

    P.S. – I like numbers.

    [Reply]

    Tell me again why we aren’t married?

    I get to be bitchy? In public? Heh. Maybe there is an upside after all.

    [Reply]

  • Sarah T

    Wow, congratulations!!!!
    There suddenly seems to be a lot of breeding going around……it’s not contagious, is it? Cause I’d really rather spoil everyone else’s kids and give them back….

    [Reply]

    I’ll be renting mine out by the week, most likely. I’ll start a sign-up sheet now.

    [Reply]

  • Bob

    congrats? since you seem to be discombobulated about this, I will offer uncoordinated uncertainty in support of your knockeduppedness.

    This will certainly change the parameters of your new apartment/house search.

    [Reply]

    *head crashes into desk*

    Shit, Bob. Shit. Now I need a nur…nurs…nurse…room for the alien’s crate. Do you think said room has to have a window?

    [Reply]

    I think legally it might need a window. I think bars on it are okay, though.

    [Reply]

    why pretend? the crib will be in your bedroom for the 1st year anyway. just try having post-partum sex in front of the beybay. most effective birth control there is. TRUST ME ON THIS. despite the fact that our 2nd was conceived 6 months after the 1st.

    [Reply]

  • it’s rocco’s. i saw him trying to sneak out one night, and yelled to him “you go right back up there and make me a bugginbaby”!

    (like holly hunter to nicolas cage in raising arizona “get me a toddler.” obviously.)

    [Reply]

    Giggle. They’ve got more’n they can handle!

    [Reply]

  • Sweet Morgan Freeman! Congratufuckinglations!

    Oh Honey, that is just AWESOME! Except that you’re now the designated driver for every motherfuckingboozetime until you deliver!

    [Reply]

    I’m gonna tell your husband-to-be that his job is to have a cold case of Coors Light ready and waiting in that delivery room.

    [Reply]

    Except near the end when you’re ready to not be pregnant anymore. You can just drink a lot and hope the baby gets drunk and falls out.

    Disclaimer: Do I really need to put a disclaimer that I don’t endorse drinking while pregnant? We’ll see. Forward all questions to: coffee.and.zombie.movies@gmail.com

    [Reply]

    I’m taking that as the gospel truth. I’m putting “assemble large quantities of hard liquor” on my calendar for the last week of September.

    [Reply]

  • Just remember to compose love poetry for your vagina EVERY DAY! Like I told you it will cooperate better during crunch time.
    Also, don’t read Breaking Dawn because that’s not really what happens when it’s time to go to the hospital. Unless you want to get a Pattinson fix , and let’s be honest. Who COULDN’T use a Pattinson fix every once in awhile.
    Guy has serious seduction game.
    Shakes off smoldering lust.

    [Reply]

    Is it “crunch” time or “rip to shreds” time?

    I may or may not have just borrowed the “Twilight” audio book for my drive to VA tomorrow.

    [Reply]

    I had to change my underwear when the Twilight people sent out the Isle Esme photo of warm sands, gently tilting lanterns, and the promise of some serious ram rodding by one eternally frustrated but restrained sex god.

    shudders.

    [Reply]

  • I’m feeling dizzy… I think your new alien. Must sit down…

    Seriously, congrats to you all, more Buggin for the buck!

    [Reply]

  • Oh MAH GAWD!! No way! You’re gonna have a baby bug! WooHOO! So much for the t-shirt — you’ve already got your trophy! When the shirt stops fitting you, you can cut the bottom off and let your baby bump show. It’s very trendy, the baby bump.

    [Reply]

    Oh. Dear. God.

    [Reply]

  • HOLY SHITBALLS!!! That’s awesome! Congrats!

    Get ready to get your vagina ripped to shreds. Too much?

    [Reply]

    I’m already trying to figure out how to scotch guard the thing.

    [Reply]

  • Congrats Elly. So ridiculously happy for you I may have gone all girlie and cried a tear of joy and all that shit on your behalf. Got me right in the ovaries biatch. I know you will produce a little screaming nugget of awesomeness.

    And just think of all the new material. Vaginas, boobs, butt holes, bodily functions. Wait a minute…….?

    [Reply]

    Ayup. Sounds like I’ll still be a one trick pony. Just saddle sore.

    [Reply]

  • Can the mother of 4 just say YIPEEEEEE for you? Great stuff and congratulations.

    [Reply]

    Your vagina is an over achiever.

    [Reply]

  • I am so very happy for you! this is wonderful news!

    Think of all the cool stuff you can teach your little parasite! Then they can grow up to wear their underwear out to college parties like mine does.. *sigh*

    You’re never gonna sleep well again….

    seriously- congrats! <3

    [Reply]

    You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?

    [Reply]

  • Congrats girlie! As you already know, just because you’ve pushed out a curtain climbing crumb snatcher, it is still possible to be fabulously awesome and not a mombot. Fuck those mombot whores ; )

    [Reply]

    Here’s to not being assimilated! At least not into the mombots. As for the alien race…

    [Reply]

  • SQUEEE!!!!!

    Congratulations! That is awesome news! Welcome to the procreators club! You’ll be getting your membership card in the mail

    [Reply]

    Can’t I just use my ACLU card instead?

    [Reply]

  • OMG!! Congratulations! And even though @vapid has probably accurately identified you as the host to an alien, I’m sure it will be a beautiful, and healthy alien baby.

    [Reply]

    …and it’s tentacles will hardly even be noticeable!

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  • Way to go Rocco! :-)

    Ok ok ok. Don’t send me that stare of yours across the Interwebs. We need to lure the men into this thing: shower them with praises even though they don’t have to do anything for the next 9 (how many left?) months and hope that they will stop doing nothing after the incubation period. Start grooming him: diaper change is HIS job.

    Congratulations baby. We will be here. Btw, the membership card comes with a two for one deal. ^_^

    La Fuck FTW!

    [Reply]

    *blink, blink*

    [Reply]

    I changed a *ass-ton* of diapers, thankyouverymuch. I also was guilted into doing most of the household chores for the 9 months prior and 25 years post partum ….waitaminute….mine are out of college now, (almost, dammit) she can wash her own damned panties. guess who is the brains of this outfit, huh?

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  • Oh and if Rocco hadn’t impregnated you, the crustacean would have.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
    I had to get that in there.

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  • Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Your vagina is way more fun now. You get to talk about it all the time now, and nobody thinks it’s weird. Like, at ladies’ brunch with your grandma. It’s so great.

    Plus!? You get all sorts of weird new scars, and my BFF told me after her first baby, she was missing a chunk of her vulva. Like, a chunk! How badass is that? “You want to see my battle scar? It’s on my labia minora.”

    Congratulations. I hope you have twins, because it’s fucking brutal and hilarious. Xs and Os.

    [Reply]

    I suddenly feel the need to book a photo shoot so I can forever immortalize my pre-shredded vagina. You can use pancake makeup on your vulva, right?

    [Reply]

  • dbs

    Congratulations on your smurfling. This is totally why Lady Gaga came to the Grammys in an egg, right? Your vagina has that much power, doesn’t it?

    [Reply]

    My vagina is always screaming “by the power of Grayskull…and marshmallow lasers!”

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  • FUCKING JESUS ON A POGO STICK THIS IS AWESOME!!! I hope you don’t get sick, and that the parasite has your uke playing abilities!

    [Reply]

    I can’t think of a better place to fuck Jesus. Woof.

    [Reply]

  • Well how glad am I that I came here tonight to see a stick covered in pee. I’m really glad. Congratulations, Elly and Rocco. I’m going to start looking for the tiniest little ukele you ever saw and also a onesie that asks, “Is it motherfuckinbooze day yet?”

    [Reply]

    Wouldn’t it be MotherFuckingBOOBTime?

    [Reply]

  • Brady

    UM….Congratulations? It’s funny, I too have always said those little buggers are parasites!

    You have an interesting way of phrasing things, Elly!!

    bc

    [Reply]

    I hear they smell worse than guinea pigs.

    [Reply]

  • J

    WHAT?!?

    Yes. So. Fucking. EXCITED. For. YOU.

    Your baby is gonna come out with a badass Mohawk and a great sense of musical timing. I can sense it.

    [Reply]

    Just so long as it doesn’t come out with claws and fangs.

    [Reply]

  • Yay Yay Yay! We are preggers at the same time! Let’s resume book club since misery loves company. I am a few months ahead of you but I also have that much more wisdom. You have questions? I may have answers.
    xo
    k

    [Reply]

  • I’m finally back in the world… sorry to heap child-related health scares on you this week. You’re great in the clutch, but you still owe me a dirty hospital joke. As you know, SOFA KING just about sums up my reaction to your news also. Frankly, I can’t believe how lucky this kid is that you are its mommy. ;-)

    [Reply]

  • Karen Blackman

    Awesome! They haven’t taken the kids away from me and Chris yet (12 years!) so you guys are probably safe…but call me when The People come over to see what’s up and I’ll tell you what *not* to say while they’re there.

    [Reply]

  • hahahaha
    “Rocco put it there”

    Between this and the Jesus doll, I’m hooked on your blog.

    [Reply]

    It only gets worse from here….but glad to have you!

    [Reply]

  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rachel B, Elly Lonon. Elly Lonon said: More random ramblings: I'm an Incubator http://bugginword.com/2011/02/15/incubation/ [...]

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