Tajazzle (Now In Honey Flavor!)

When I’m not researching the latest in DIY projects for my vagina, I occasionally read books.

Oh fuck it, I’ll tell you about the book next week.  I can’t NOT talk about this:

Blame KeepingYouAwake for this…jewel.  He’s always on a quest to find male counterparts to the bevy of decorative options we ladies have for our bits.  It’s like swarovski crystal envy or something.

Personally I have no interest in “bling for my fling.”  Or in referring to my kayak as a “fling.”  My vagina is not a verb.  Wait…*awkward pause and rustling of fabric*…yup it’s definitely not a verb.

There’s another fifteen minutes of that infomercial over here if you really need to hear that Pussy Cat Doll doppleganger lady coo, “smell good, taste good, feel good, look fantastic,” another seventy-two times.  Though that’s still less skeevy than her ending each segment with a little jiggle and the words, “your lovahhhh.”  I keep waiting for Will Ferrell and Rachel Dracht to randomly appear.

Well I’m pleased to launch my own DIY vagina kit for the New Year – the Buggazzle.  It contains a roll of duct tape, multi-colored pipe cleaners, and a baggie full of self-adhesive googly eyes.  Don’t worry, KeepingYouAwake!  It also works on twigs and berries!  And if you order in the next fifteen minutes, I’ll mail it to you for the low, low price of $69.95.  Act now and I’ll throw in a box of sharpie’s so you can write secret messages to your lovahhhh on your vulvahhhh.

Also if vajazzle is the melding of “vagina” and “bedazzle,” does anyone else wonder if this product was originally designed for another…um…area?

Damnit.  I grossed myself out again.  The end.


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64 thoughts on “Tajazzle (Now In Honey Flavor!)

  1. You know, I just got a call saying it’s time for my annual vagina violation appointment. And I always write a post about it (bitches wish they were this classy *snap*).

    You’ve given me the best idea. I should put googley eyes on my…lips. Then he can be all uncomfortable…getting stared at and shit.

      1. BugginWord: NOW WITH DICK JOKES!

        My fave:

        “A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved into his pants.

        Bartender says, ‘What’s that for?’

        Pirate replies, ‘Arrrrgh! It’s driving me nuts!'”

  2. This infomercial must have the same director as those late night call-a-date ads. How amazing is this acting? How major is that woman’s makeup? And, since when is “presence” a euphemism for “boob job”?

    The lack of duct tape is really where Tajazzle went wrong and why the Buggazzle is sure to outsell that sucker.

  3. I, too, have a system for ensuring that I smell and taste good at all times. I call it “Bathing Regularly”. As a bonus, it does not include a choking hazard.

    1. …..and we’re back to full circle. Which of course reminds me of crustaceans and the ever roomy vag of LiLo. You’re like an oracle, Beth. But less virginal. But way more virginal than LiLo.

  4. No, no-no-no. No, no. Please.

    I started out laughing and then saw deep into the eyes of these lovelies pimping Vajazzle (gag) and thought, “When you’re too old for Vajazzle promos and pole dancing, what then, lovah?” That’s when I would have cried if I cared.

      1. Ta(ra)jazzler!

        For serious, a few of those Tajazzlers did look a bit like Ms. Reid. Maybe she’s the mad scientist behind it and made sure the actresses were cast in her image.

  5. You know the first few seconds of that I was sure it was a skit or spoof of some sort but….IT IS NOT. What the fuckety? Your LOVAH is only going to be impressed by a sparkly fake diamond vajizzle if he’s ten years old and therefore shouldn’t even be looking at vajizzles. Any dude over twenty who appreciates a rhinestone heart anywhere at all, is gay.

    Dude, no one needs to lose a rhinestone up in their bizness. I’m just saying. No one’s bizness needs to be dazzled, jazzled or frazzled and I’m damn sure a few sticky pieces of plastic glued to my arse aren’t going to give me the confidence to do anything except fret about where those little sharp shards are going to end up. Again, IN MY BIZNESS.

    Lastly, dudes don’t care if your vajingle is RIPE with stinky oil and jewels, he just wants to know the fastest way to get his manroot up in there and scraping it off of Tajazzle parts doesn’t sound like the kind of friction he’s looking for.

    I’ll stop now. I might explode.

  6. what about the ones that… i mean… even the vajazzle can’t spruce up? where is the market for those?? start at the bottom.. work your way up is what I say…

  7. And with so many other perfectly good uses for Swarovsky “elements”?

    Pfft.

    I’ll stick to nipple tassles and bejeweled clit rings, thanks.

    You know, the non-crazy, socially acceptable shit.

    Also, how is a dude saying “I was just so drawn to the flavoured potion she applied to her junk” meant to instill confidence?

    *ponder*

    – B x

  8. duct tape – been there. googly eyes – kinky, but inventive. pipe cleaners: I draw the line (with the supplied sharpie) at pipe cleaners. first of all, how can you get more than one in there? second, I’m not inserting anything with a wire in it up my twig, and my berries weren’t designed to be choked with fuzzy wire ties, thankyouverymuch. Now, if you paid *me* 69.99 I might look into the more inventive ways of using pipe cleaners on big jim and the twins…

  9. Tajazzle…I love mine… it’s super -d-duper…hubby LOVES the rhinestones…. *wide eyed look* what? you mean you don’t use one too???

    *crossing my legs*

    😉

  10. OK, check this out… my c-section scar is below my bikini line, and then I have another small scar dead center above it. Between the two of them they look like a nose and smiley mouth. Of course, they shaved all my curliques in the hospitals so when it started growing back in it looked like a… yep… a mustache! My plan was to GLUE ON GOOGLY EYES (how did you know?) and do video skits! I really wish I had followed up with that plan before the scars faded.

    Can you say sexy?

  11. This is cute and whacked, and totally nuts – best vid ever – so glad I popped by! Happy New Year, bonny lass, may you and your uke have the best year ever!

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