Historic Day

Need a way to while away your afternoon?  Check out Neil’s Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert!  (I counted six ukuleles!)  And while you’re there you can blame him for my not getting anything more meaty written today.

Heh.  I said meaty.  Which makes me think of that damn bacon nativity scene.  Again.

Speaking of meat, here’s a little conversation Rocco and I had on his birthday.  Parental figures and siblings should probably not read any further.

Me:  So I don’t think you’re going to get birthday sex.

Rocco:  No?

Me:  I have my period and my panties smell like a hamster.  But I could try and give you a birthday blow job if you’d like.  *massages recently dentist-defiled jaw and spits blood*

Rocco:  Uh, I’m good.

A man turned down a blow job.  A MAN TURNED DOWN A BLOW JOB.  It’s a Christmas miracle.  You may now return to your day.

49 comments to Historic Day

  • I will have to remember that one. I really can’t keep using the “I think I have a lip herpie” line.

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    Ah the good ‘ol lip herpie…a girl’s best friend!

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  • Yo! I was feeling a little destructivah before I read your post. Then I laughed a whole bunch (because I was reading your post) and now the inanimate objects in my life will live to fight another day.

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    Blessed be the tiny staplers, for the bind papers together. Or something.

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  • I’m not so sure if that’s a sign of the holidays. Rather, it’s probably a sign of the apocalypse.

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  • I feel I should add to that, MERRY APOCALYPSE!

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    I think I finally now what to put on my holiday cards. You’re a saint. Or really funny. One of the two.

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    Just doing my civic duty, ma’am.

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  • “A MAN TURNED DOWN A BLOW JOB.” This should go viral for sure ;)

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    If there are lip herpies involved, then most definitely!

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  • Best.Marital.Conversation.Ever.

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    Like the Cleavers, ain’t we?

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  • The Weather Channel has just reported that Hell has now frozen over.

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    For the record, I think Hell is always frozen. Are you still unclear on how I feel about the cold?

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  • I am laughing my butt off at that conversation. My brother would be twitching and vomiting in his mouth if I said something like that. ha ha ha. That is hilarious. The thought of making him do that cracks me up.

    I have been to view that holiday concert – linked over from Ninja Mom’s page. IT is awesome. There are so many cool videos. I love the song you did with your brother.

    I consider my brother one of my best friends but I could never in life get him to sing with me, not even drunken karaoke. I am so jealous.

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    Thanks! Never underestimate the power of a free meal and a ukulele.

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  • I once had my teeth coated in corrugated steel with rusty nails added for good measure. Then I got lockjaw from the rust and my husband STILL didn’t turn down a blow job.
    It must be all the practice I got on the tour bus. Thank god I got something out of it besides bruised knees.

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    That and your penchant for feathered crotch areas makes you an obvious match for Kanye West. I promise not to tell Mr. Dufmanno.

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  • Dufmanno

    Also I thought you’d like to know that I removed the hamster from his cage and have spent the better part of one hour smelling various parts of his body.
    I’m getting a distinctly cedar woodchip type of aroma with a hint of rodent musk.
    Consider yourself a lucky girl if your panties smell this good during your period.
    I think that may have been the line I needed to cross to be considered truly foul.

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    Right now naked shower man is telling people about his crazy neighbor that sniffs hamsters while drinking vodka.

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  • in sickness and in health, as your spouse i think rocco should have accepted your redneck lovin.

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    He said you’re no longer his favorite commenter. I’m sure you can make it up to him by sneaking him into another cheeseburger themed party.

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  • cooltoff

    Considering your 2 previous posts, I’m picturing DeNiro from Raging Bull with your voice having the above convo. Can’t say as I’d be in the mood either.

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    What? But the bonding is still all rough and keeps cutting my tongue? How can THAT not be attractive?

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  • Hamster? sniff. sniff. Yes! Hamster. I knew I recognized that smell from my childhood. And all this time I thought it was goat.

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    Bully for you if you can fit a goat in your panties. Weirdo.

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  • Hey, your video duet with Thom for the Online Holiday Concert is great! I thought, “How soulful!” I was a bit surprised at your choice of song, actually. However, at the end of the video, I thought “Oh yes! That’s more like it!”

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    If there’s a muppet involved, I’m in.

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  • J

    You could just sing him that song, “Birthday Sex” until he falls asleep since it’s so repetitive…

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    I had to google that. Then I watched the video. You’re grounded.

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  • OMG I LITERALLY was laughing out loud… *still snickering* it is a Christmas miracle.. no doubt about it… turn down a BJ? Holy shit!

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    We’ve finally found a silver lining to dental work!

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  • My only single friend once had a guy STOP her in the middle of a knob polishing because she was “doing it wrong.” Not just stopped, discontinued! But even he didn’t turn it down in the first place!

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    What the?
    Stopped mid blow?
    What the hell was she doing ? Gnawing on it with her incisors?
    I would be profoundly insulted and would immediately jump up on the little platform I keep handy for such occasions so that I could spout off the list of satisfied customers who said I could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch without so much as a scratch on it!!!
    Um.
    Again, sorry Elly.
    Too much information.

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    I had a guy fall asleep once. Not my best moment. Shortly thereafter, it was not his best moment either.

    Also, this is for you:
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrbabyman/euphemisms-for-your-vadge-b7t

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    The term “foofy bird” is positively whimsical!!!
    Please from here on in would everyone please refer to my vagina as this.
    Yes, I realize this might be confusing but it makes me happy.

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    Also, at the risk of being kicked out forever I suggest we give a post dental work blow job refresher course. It could be incredibly helpful for those suffering from the residual pain of a root canal or continued loose lips from too much novocaine.
    You could keep a bucket handy on the side of the practice area for spitting blood and various “other things”.
    On a side note you should probably hire someone you don’t like to dump and clean the bucket.

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    OMJ, I love you and yes, I will heretoafter refer to your nether regions as foofy bird.

  • You know, it would almost be worth getting married if I’d get to have conversations like that. Try delivering that hamster line to a guy you’re only dating – suddenly he’d turn into an olympic sprinter. On second thought…I think I just found my “irritating man repelant”.

    I heart you and your inappropriate dialogue. Let’s move in together.

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  • Not sure whether I’m more troubled by the spitting of blood (expertly timed, might I add), or the whole concept of “birthday sex” as an expected annual ‘event’.

    So many reasons not to get married…

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    The blood spitting is far less disturbing than the birthday sex. Unless the birthday sex includes a special swing and video cameras, or something you just don’t normally do. Seriously……birthday sex????

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  • TMcD

    Wow!!! My jaw almost dropped to the floor! Now, that’s not an invitation to inject a surrogate mouth into the situation… okay bad visual and a sin of course and I don’t think you ever followed up on giving him that robotic schlong that could stretch 6 or 7 states in a pinch or internationally when you’re out of town… maybe I should just stop. Okay, back on point. Damn, I can’t believe he turned down your fix for oral pleasure!

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    Dude. You can get surrogate mouths?!? I know what he’s getting for Christmas now!

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  • God,I wish I had some original idea to write about on my own blog instead of coming over here and ruining yours. I’m sorry I’m loitering so much, it’s like you’re the 7-11 and I’m the drunk guy peeing outside and trying to scrape up enough change for a hot dog.

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    What would 7-11 be without the drunk? I think you’re more like the social worker in Clerks that compulsively empties all the eggs from their cartons. Just like that but with awesome boobs. And OBVIOUSLY you’re about to write a blog post about dental hygiene, blow jobs, and ways to keep your foofy bird from smelling like a hamster.

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    OOOHH I love this. It’s like we’re talking in code to each other!
    Quick,call in an airstrike using these terms “Foofy bird we have a smelly hamster at twenty paces with post dental perimeter blowjobs infiltrating on the left!”
    Bring ALL your firepower! Ok, I’ll go away now.

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  • I usually hate it when people include those private conversations that are always funny only to them then I gotta pretend it was clever while running far far away from their stupid blog, but your private conversation with Rocco was hilarious and kind of a turn on. Thanks for stopping by my blog today.

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  • You and Thom and Herbert are my favorite in that whole lineup. You did the song great justice: John Denver AND the muppets would be very proud.

    Now back to you and Rocco’s conversation: All of a sudden, I am liking the dentists a lot and am actually looking forward to my appointment!

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