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A Missing Unicorn

Seeing as how today is Veteran’s Day and both my parents are veterans themselves, I’m going to say thanks to them for their service by not making a single vagina joke in today’s post.  Instead, I’ll just point you to this fascinating article on cricket testicles.

The tuberous bushcricket’s testicles account for 14 percent of its body weight. To put that in perspective, the testicles of a man weighing 200 pounds (91 kilograms) with that ball-to-body ratio would weigh 28 pounds (12.7 kilograms).

I know, sometimes I overwhelm myself with my propensity for thoughtfulness.

You know what else is fascinating?  This picture that someone sent to me after spotting this flyer near central park.

Photo By My Friend Linley

My first thought was, “How the hell did Apocalypse get through the Lincoln Tunnel?”  But then I noticed the missing unicorn is a girl.  So obviously it’s Apocalypse’s girlfriend, right?  I mean how many unicorns inhabit the tri-state area?

Though I always assumed Apocalypse was gay…and not just because he loves show tunes almost as much as he loves cupcakes.

Regardless, I called the phone number to see if the distraught unicorn caretaker wanted me to question Apocalypse on her behalf.  And also because you don’t NOT call a phone number on a missing unicorn flyer, am I right?  And that’s how I found this site.

There I found audio recordings from New Yorkers that have sighted the unicorn on the streets of Manhattan.  So far, I’ve learned quite a bit.  Apparently unicorns love candy corn and accept magic beans as a form of currency.  Who knew?

So far, no update on what percent of a unicorn’s body weight is devoted to its testicles.  I could discuss that with Apocalypse I suppose, but I like to respect his privacy.  Then again, if it was 14% like that poor bushcricket, I probably wouldn’t have to ask.

This post?  This is what happens when I can’t make vagina jokes, Interwebz.  Blame the veterans.

Actually, there are probably a whole slew of veterans that like vagina jokes.  It’s even possible that my two favorite veterans actually don’t mind vagina jokes…unless they involve their daughter’s vagina.  I can respect that.

So this is my thank you, Mom and Dad, for your years of service.  Next year you’d probably rather have a card, right?

(Pssst.  Mom and Dad?  I really didn’t mean to use the word vagina so much in your thank you post but then I figured if I didn’t, you wouldn’t really know it was from me.  So better to throw a few into the mix for good measure, right?  You know, like how I like to throw the perfect pottery vase and then at the last second mess it up ever so slightly so people will know it’s hand-made?  This is just like that.  But with vaginas.  And less mud.  And a unicorn.  Technically two unicorns.  I’m going to stop now.  Love you.)

43 comments to A Missing Unicorn

  • I saw a story on this before, and I think it’s the best public art thing I’ve seen in a really long time. I want to do a version of it in Cleveland, only with some other kind of mythical beast. Preferably one that eats steel.

    [Reply]

    Mildred eats steel. Does that help at all?

    [Reply]

    Not unless I can put a pink dragon hat on her.

    [Reply]

  • Bob

    Well, I guess being a veteran I am allowed to state that from the veteran’s position vagina jokes are much the topic of conversation in the many places that active duty military and veterans gather and a good vagina joke is appreciated by all. I’m sure that if more of them knew of your propensity for all things vagina that your site would be besieged by those of the military persuasion.

    We don’t however, give a damn for unicorns so this post is a wash as far as vagina-positiveness is concerned.

    [Reply]

    you did, however, partially redeem the post by the inclusion of the relative ball-size of various species. I revise my position vis-a-vis the washness of this post to be a positive for vagina + ball inclusion.

    [Reply]

    So just to sum that up:

    vagina jokes = yes
    unicorns = no
    unicorn balls = yes

    Did I get that straight?

    Also you said “wash” and “vagina” in the same sentence. You could be a blogger, Bob.

    And all silliness aside, thanks to you for your service, too.

    [Reply]

  • that is the coolest public art and invite to an opening ever. very avant garde, yoko would be proud.

    also thank you mom and dad buggin’and bob. you are true superheroes! ♥

    [Reply]

    There’s not quite enough screaming for Yoko. Maybe.

    [Reply]

  • I know a great many veterans who love to hear the word vagina.
    You have honored them well, my friend.

    [Reply]

    Hey you! I like it when new people aren’t afraid of saying vagina. We’re thrilled to welcome you in the fold. And that’s not nearly as gross as it sounds.

    [Reply]

  • I feel sorry for crickets, having to drag them damn big things around.

    [Reply]

    I feel worse for girl crickets.

    [Reply]

  • At least you didn’t talk about Unicorn vaginas because that would just be awkward.

    [Reply]

    No, no, no. Perish the thought. I would never, ever cross the inappropriate line. :)

    [Reply]

  • 14% of his Body Weight? How on earth does the little fellow hop? He must have some really strong legs to get them off the ground. Unless, they are really bouncy testicles. In which case he probably hops by bouncing on them.

    And before I forget, I would like to thank all veterans for securing our freedom to tell vagina jokes, and write comments about bouncing testicles. Booyah!

    [Reply]

    We had those as kids! They were the most fun ever! I forgot how much I love…oh hell there’s no way to end that sentence so it isn’t disgusting but you know EXACTLY what I meant.

    [Reply]

    Wow! You had big bouncing testicles as a kid? I thought you were kidding about being a Hermaphrodite. It’s OK though, because we love you for who you are.

    [Reply]

  • I hate to get technical on your ass missy, but don’t unicorns have a lack of balls? Isn’t that the point. Eunuchs? Eunuchorn? No? Just me? Either way, I like your devotion to ball size and its importance in the world. And I’m forever grateful you didn’t mention Hulk Hogan’s balls or Dog the Bounty Hunter (I actually believe them to be long lost twins separated at birth) because that would put me off the Remembrance Day Apple Cake I just made. Because how better to remember fallen heroes than with cake? Hmm?

    [Reply]

    I think they share a single set of balls. Most of the time, they each keep one, but when one of them has a big important event, the other one will ship his ball to the other so he can have a full set in his time of need.

    Eunochorn? I think you just found yourself a blog post to write, missy.

    [Reply]

  • Happy VD to your parents. Well, that didn’t sound right, at all. Hopefully, they know what I mean. Um. What’s that number?

    [Reply]

    Yes! Happy Vagina Day to one and all!

    [Reply]

  • I would like to hire you to go to my dad’s house and tell him vagina jokes for Veteran’s Day. It would make him even more uncomfortable than that time that he saw me breastfeeding.

    [Reply]

    Why yes I AM available for private parties!

    [Reply]

  • I had to step away from the keyboard for a moment to pause and collect my thoughts because there is really so much to say here.
    I feel as if this unicorn is not so much missing as wandering in the wrong dimension. This makes me suspicious of anyone claiming they “lost” him. Perhaps they had this unicorn chained to a radiator in their basement while they waited to saw off his magical horn to make any number of concoctions with it. Perhaps not, but this is the theory I’m leaning towards.
    Normally I’d end my comment here but I’ve had a glass of wine and I’m nestled comfortably in a soft chair so I think I’ll stay and continue.
    Now let’s talk about the cricket nuts.
    I have a number of crickets that invade my basement daily so now I feel compelled to capture one for further study.
    Will let you know how this turns out in a future episode.

    [Reply]

  • Oh yes, thank you Veteran’s.
    God, I’m a thoughtless asshole sometimes.

    [Reply]

    It’s ok muffin, you were in pursuit of SCIENCE. You were itching to blind Thomas Dolby with some of it…well, that and those gigantic cricket balls. Now that you’re here, I might have to rustle me up some wine, too.

    [Reply]

    I’m here with “Good heavens Miss Sakamoto – you’re beautiful” and we are observing two wayward little fellows who hopped into the basement.
    Miss Sakamoto however while lovely to look at is not the best assistant in the whole world. As a matter of fact she’s off chatting up my male neighbors and causing quite a stir on the block.

    [Reply]

    Did she ask about their ball size? Hopefully she left before she could tidy up. Otherwise this morning you won’t be able to find anything.

    [Reply]

  • Veterans Vagina VE Day

    Coincidence?

    [Reply]

    I don’t believe in coincidences. Unless you were just about to say that. Then that would have been a total coincidence. A total coincidence of the heart. Was that the Bonnie Tyler song? Yes please, I’ll have another!

    [Reply]

  • You, my dear, are an excellent daughter!

    And to my future in-laws, Happy Vagina Day!

    [Reply]

    Way to suck up to the PILs! LOL

    [Reply]

  • First, everytime I go to all your blogs now that I have this fancy new computer I have t enter in all my info, over and over an over. WHY?

    And second, this is the best VD post I have ever read. The last one gave me the clap.

    [Reply]

    How many blogs do I have? How many dimensions are you and this new computer operating in? I think I just pulled my cerebellum.

    [Reply]

  • I will always carry candy corn with me, as K-9 unit officers always carry milkbones.

    That’s right, I just implied I have a Unicorn at my disposal as some sort of working animal. Perhaps a plow-horse for magic bean farms.

    [Reply]

    You want to plow a unicorn? Is that even legal? If you write an ebook about such a thing, the twitterverse will get you yanked off Amazon. Be careful.

    [Reply]

    Noa Gavin Presents: Unicorn Lovin’
    How to express your love to one single corn kernel.

    [Reply]

  • Sigh. Even the missing pets in NYC are so much cooler than those in the other cities. Sigh.

    Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bugginword Senior, THANK YOU for serving the country. THANK YOU for allowing Elly to continue to say the V word as it is intended after today. AND since today is a day for thanks, I am going to come right out and thank you for doing it at the right time when all the stars were aligned just right so Elly could be created.

    p.s. I don’t know why. My head is saying “Just keep swimming just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming”

    [Reply]

    It sorta sounds like you’re serenading my dad’s sperm. That’s weird.

    And seriously, I had that audio clip on my cancer soundtrack. Did I tell you that before or are you just taking up permanent residence in my brain?

    [Reply]

  • I have to say that you are amusing, starting out a post with a tidbit on testicles is grand!

    As for the missing unicorn, how epic is that? I want to print one out and put it out for all of Vancouver to see! They NEED to see it.

    [Reply]

    *blushes* Aw shucks.

    Unicorns are like Vitamin D. Everyone needs some. Peanut butter cups, too.

    [Reply]

  • A uniball is a mythical creature with only one nut. The marketing people at Bic didn’t realize that. So, flick your Bic, but do it gently because there isn’t a spare.

    [Reply]

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