Here’s today’s lesson, Interwebz: Procrastination will kick you square in the kayak every single time.
Approximately eleventy weeks ago, SubWow tagged me with the Plastic Joy Award. Long story short, I’m supposed to “list (and then explain your reasoning) 5 characters you’d like to do the horizontal whiplash with.”
…then she tagged a bevy of beauties that are all tragically witty and deranged including Wicked, Vapid, Andrea and Patty…who then tagged Kelly and Ryan…and suddenly I’m all out of fictional characters I’d like to scrog!
Ok not really. I managed to come up with five more, but you need to know my options were a wee bit limited by the time I got around to writing my response.
That’s not an apology – just a disclaimer.
Here’s another disclaimer – if you are one of my siblings or contributed DNA to make my ass, you probably don’t want to read this. That is also not an apology.
Sweet, swarthy Star Trek! Jean Luc Picard definitely makes my list. I’d let that man captain my vessel any day of the week. That accent, that confidence, that ability to wear red polyester and not look like an employee of McDonalds – what couldn’t that man do? Sure, Wesley Crusher was the character gracing the covers and centerfolds of my Tiger Beats, but I only had eyes for Jean Luc. I can’t tell you how many adolescent day dreams involved him twisting his extended finger while booming in his authoritative voice, “ENGAGE.”
I always wanted to marry royalty, but no despot got me quite as tingly as Jareth the Goblin King from Labyrinth. “I ask so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want.” I’ve had far less appealing offers from plenty of long-haired, spandex-clad weirdos with even more eye makeup than his Royal Muppet-ness…and with far smaller cod pieces. And he could sing. And dance. Well mostly he just tossed muppets about while thrusting his ginormous cod piece in their faces but it WAS in time with the music which is more than I can say for those other previously mentioned long-haired, spandex-clad weirdos. He was the babe with the power, no doubt.
Speaking of cod pieces…next up is the lovely King Mother-Fucking Henry as played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers on the Tudors. Have you people seen this show? I’ve only watched the first two seasons thus far but DAMN. I’m almost embarrassed to admit I watched them because it is so full of THE SEX. I’m talking crazy, sweaty, graphic, fluid-filled sex that makes you hit pause, make sure the front door is locked and the shades are drawn before you pour yourself a glass of wine, turn down the volume and move closer to the TV so your neighbors don’t hear all the skin slapping when you finally press play again. Then rewind. Then play. Then rewind. Then…you get the point.
Shit. I still need two more that haven’t already been claimed….
Oh! How about Tom Collins from Rent? (As performed by Jesse L Martin from the original Broadway cast and the movie, of course.)
Pre movie release, I would bet I’m the only gal that ever squealed, “Oh my GOD TOM COLLINS!!!!” when stumbling upon a set for Law & Order. Do you hear that deep, hypnotic voice? Do you need a fresh pair of undies, too? He’s erudite, liberal, generous, gracious and fine as hell. Sure he’s gay, but I think our mutual affection for drag queens would be more than enough commonality to start a conversation and get the (AHEM!) ball rolling.
Phew! I thought I would have to list Mr Miyagi since I was completely blanking on a fifth character but fortunately I looked at another photo of David Bowie – which made me think of goblins – which made me think of how badly I need a pedicure – which made me think of hobbits – which reminded me of the smoking hot elf. Crisis averted. He is so pretty. And I think we can all agree that he’s at least marginally sexier than Mr. Miyagi.
Want to share yours? You know what to do! Just for fun, I’m going to tag some of my new favorite bloggers and see what they come up with:
- Naked Cupcakes (Good luck now that I already snagged Jareth, Sarah!)
- Are You Serious?
- Colby in the City
- Calling People Names
Not only do I now have a picture of naked dolls getting freaky on my site, I’m pretty sure I just passed on a pretty nasty STD to a whole mess of bloggers. My work here is done.