Day 5. No cell phone. I’m about this far *making same hand gesture I use to describe Tom Cruise’s penis* from painting a keypad with my own blood onto a volleyball and calling it Webster. Fortunately, I don’t think I can fit a volleyball in my back pocket. If the real Webster 7.0 doesn’t show up today, I’ll just have to wear something with an elastic waistband.
I had lunch with one of the niftiest people on the planet yesterday. He was a much needed ray of sunshine in the middle of a decidedly weird day. He sends me cute little notes like:
Been loving your blog. So much that sometimes I forget to go on the myporn site
(that’s a lie).
Oh how he makes me giggle. I keep begging Thom to go gay so I can have this adorable man as my in-law. As usual, Thom remains completely selfish, holding out for someone with a uterus. *sigh*
As we dug into our respective bowls of cheese and guacamole (you’d think a pair of cancer survivors would make better dietary choices, eh?) we caught up on the last month or so of our lives.
He flashed his biceps. “I’m selling tickets to the gun show. You want a pair?”
“You look great! How are you feeling?”
“Good.”
“Next test?”
“June. You?”
“May 25th.” We both paused to cross our fingers. “Did you make the trip home to see your mom? How is she?”
He nodded. “She’s doing well…rebounding a little, so that’s good.” He took another bite then looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. “I lost my aunt Betty, though.”
“Oh! I’m so sorry.” I folded and unfolded my napkin, unsure of what to say.
Meanwhile, he kept right on eating. “I can’t find her anywhere,” he continued, smirking slightly.
“Um, what?” I asked, convinced I hadn’t heard him correctly.
“She’s 82 years old and I have no idea where she’s gone. Maybe I should get on home and try and call her again.”
Come on, Thom. Take one for the team! He couldn’t be any cuter. Besides, we know Mom already likes him!
“Been loving your blog. So much that sometimes I forget to go on the myporn site” <==TOTAL LIE
Anyone who spends all day on the myporn site knows you just put both browser windows up side-by-side. You know a story's especially good when someone's thrusting toward it from the myporn window.
.-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..The People I’ve Seen =-.
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That’s how you read all blogs, isn’t it. (Note, that was not a question – more of a horrific realization.)
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That comment was so good I just died, was resurrected, came back and died again.
THe visual of the side by side windows was just too much for me.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Facebook Used In Devious Revenge Plot =-.
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I’m kinda bearing it all here, aren’t I?
What?!? It’s cold. Shut up.
.-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..Roll Your Own =-.
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I love gun shows. Wait, that’s not the point, I love losing old women. No, still. I love porn sites. Got it. Eh…..I’m having a hard time grasping things today..my mind is elsewhere. I will explain later.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Open Letter To Rielle Hunter =-.
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You’re pregnant, aren’t you?!?
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I thought your brother Thom was gay already. Jeez, time to take the gaydar in for a tune-up.
.-= Debra She Who Seeks´s last blog ..Mental Duck to Mental Swan Award =-.
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Sigh. If only…
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that sure as hell beat my lunch standing at the pizza counter surrounded by mirrors in which all i could see was my saggy skin, dark undereye circles, and uneven skin tone. but the pizza was to die for.
webster has become a real pissant. abandon the search!
.-= patty punker´s last blog ..motherfucking oprah =-.
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I have him back now! I missed the 21st century.
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I hate the way I look in public mirrors. Is that how I look to other people?
Love Thom.
.-= carrie meadows´s last blog ..Peppermint Patty (Or Is It Marcie?) =-.
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That’s why I just skip going out in public entirely!
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I like Thom.
.-= colby´s last blog ..Lost and found in Las Vegas =-.
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I want to be in on the joke, but I don’t get it
.-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..We Could All Sing When We Were 11. =-.
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I really don’t either. I was hoping one of you peeps could explain it to me.
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Is Thom sure he’s not gay? I mean, he spells Tom with an ‘H’ (way more sophisticated) and he doesn’t seem like a tool, so chances are pretty good that he is, in fact, gay. Because mostly it’s a pretty easy formula: sophistication + not tool = gay. I’m sure there’s a retreat or something where you could send him to turn him as gay as Jesus wants him to be.
.-= Andrea´s last blog .."Pachelbel’s Reggae Canon" =-.
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I’m going to get him one of those tees that say “what would Judy do?”
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I want to fold him up and put him in my fannypack.
.-= Hellachella´s last blog ..Oysters, Cat Rumspringa, Pee. Three important topics in one blog. =-.
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I know! But don’t jog while he’s in there. He gets motion sickness. It’s quite a mess.
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Bug,
You can never have enough gay friends. Tell Thom he does not have to be full pledge gay he can just be half gay. I think. No idea what I am saying here.
Virginia
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Hmmm…maybe aunt Becky is from the porn site he is missing while reading your blog. You should probably check into that before you pimp your brother out to an granny porn lover!
.-= Jeane´s last blog ..Reality…Gone for a Moment or Longer =-.
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It’s a wonder I haven’t had my body hacked into a million pieces then separated into tiny ziplock bags, right? I just always assume the best of people. THAT’s going well for me.
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Wait. I though guacamole was good for us? Like, the good fat or something? A, fuck it. I’m still eating it by the bowlful. Especially today for Hakuna Matata Day.
.-= marymac´s last blog ..Ms. Pac Man Zen =-.
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It is. So is malted milk ball ice cream. Eat both in large amounts.
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Again, you have the most interesting friends on the planet. Thom really is selfish. There’s just no excuse for that.
Tell him to check under the trampoline in the backyard. That’s where our dog was when we lost her. Apparently she just wanted to nap in the shade. I’m sure that’s what Aunt Betty wants too. Because, well, I’d like a nap in the shade.
You make me giggle. More than porn.
♥Spot
.-= Spot´s last blog ..The one where the Universe gets even with me. =-.
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I don’t believe that for a minute. Do you watch much porn? It’s all a giggle fest.
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Someone once told my husband that he was gay but he just didn’t know it yet.
O.K. the more I read that sentence the more those “late work nights” are starting to make sense.
I’m totally up for living with my gay husband and his boyfriend. Can you imagine how clean and well decorated this vile hovel would be?
Greasy disease shack + gay guys = Taj Mahal
I’m glad you found Webster:)
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Facebook Used In Devious Revenge Plot =-.
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Bad news – my gay husband doesn’t keep my apt clean. He does know a lot of show tunes though.
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