Thom: What do you want?
Me: Call your mother, Dicko.
Thom: Why?
Me: …
Thom: Oh – the birthday thing?
Me: Yes.
Thom: Goodbye.
[Moments pass. The phone rings.]
Mom: Why did your brother just call me Dicko?
Me: Oh jeez. Did he sing?
Mom: He just called and said “Happy birthday, Dicko.” He said you told him to.
Welcome to my world, Interwebz. There’s no winning.
That’s a damn lie. There IS winning. More on that in a moment…
Fortunately, Mom is still speaking to me after Wednesday’s post. PHEW! Though we decided that if she were a drag queen, her stage name would be Miss. Represented. You KNOW you would buy tickets for that show.
Speaking of birthdays, in exactly 7 days, BugginWord turns one! (If that doesn’t explain the maturity level around here, nothing ever will.) I was going to tally up just how many times I’ve typed the word vagina here, but I just don’t have that kind of attention span. I can hardly focus long enough to count my cat. (Let’s see, um there’s wah…YAWN.)
I could ramble on about my favorite posts from the last year, but I’ve got an appointment with a bride and her butt bow so I’m pressed for time. (If you’re really curious, you can see my New Year’s wrap-up.) What I really want to do is say thanks. Thanks to all four of you precious readers. (No, I still haven’t figured out what’s happening with my stats. The hell.) I made you a little something for our anniversary.
Your New Shroom
Yes folks, it’s a concrete mushroom. His name is Flournoy. And he could be YOURS.
I don’t think I’ve told you about my thing for mushrooms yet. Maybe I’ll tell you next week. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just video an interpretive dance instead. All you really need to know is I’m obsessed with the things and I make them compulsively. And I made this one just for you, dear readers!
Thing is (there’s always a thing – that’s what she said), these things take time to make and I’m really busy what with whoring myself out for free tickets and lobbying congress to outlaw any future Rod Stewart recordings. I couldn’t possibly make enough of these things (four) so each and every one of you could have your very own.
You bitches are going to have to fight for it.
All you have to do is comment on this post. (Say any old thing. Maybe just type one measly little old letter or number. Maybe tell us your favorite color. If you could only eat one condiment for the rest of your life, what would it be?) Then I’ll chop up all your bodies names, throw them in a bowl, and pick one at random. Easy, breezy, right? If you include something mushroom related in your comment, you get two entries! If you use iambic pentameter, you get three entries. If you comment while wearing a tiara, you get four entries. If you…oh fuck it – this is getting way to complicated. One entry per comment. The end.
Cat Not Included
Now for you quiet little lurkers, assuming there are still one or two of you out there. If you’d like to enter, but are completely creeped out at the thought of having the Interwebz know that you read the ramblings of a girl of questionable morals, never fear! You can post anonymously, or say your name is George, or randomly list inanimate objects in the name field. No one will EVER know. Just be sure to include a working email address (I’m the only one who will ever see it) so that I can contact you to send you your fantastic, hand-made, one-of-a-kind, Elly-original, FUNGUS AMOUNGUS.
I’ll give you until Thursday (3/25) at Midnight to enter. Then I’ll announce a winner on Friday, my blogiversary. Look out Interwebz, BugginWord is headed for the terrible twos.
elly…reminds me of christmas..hehe. personally i think that mushroom would of complimented the “thingy” glued to Mr. McIver’s statuesque head quite nicely here at the G!
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How cute are you? “Thingy?” I almost feel guilty about cursing all the fucking time.
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Bugginword’s anniversary is also the anniversary of the day I became a Mommy. Sophia will be six next Friday!
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Hooray! She took way longer to make than Flournoy. Go girl.
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OMJ- I have to have that fungus!!!! Like, seriously!! He, yes, I have decided it is a man fungi. I have the perfect spot on my lawn for him. I must win. Tell Rocco he must rig this in my favor! Grrrr. Oh, good luck to everyone else.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..What Ashley Judd and I Have In Common =-.
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He is awful fond of you. Go figure.
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Quel beau objet d’art! Love the little ladybugs! Now, I’m not going to harp on its obviously phallic nature but I hope that for your second blogoversary, you will maintain the sexual theme and create something vagina-ish for us, your devoted followers.
.-= Debra She Who Seeks´s last blog ..Please Enter My Giveaway! =-.
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I promise! Does it have to be concrete? I’m not entirely sure about concrete vaginas. It’s like a freaking blending of concrete slippers and sleeping with the fishes.
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I must commend your effort to liberate the mycelial class…
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I must commend your use of the english language.
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Nice ploy to get comments. I like it. Very subtle.
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If there’s one word often used to describe me, it’s….well it’s probably “classy.” But if we branch out to two words, we can totally call one of them “subtle.” Subtle like chlamydia.
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I really don’t want your fungus, thanks — cheers to the anni though!
.-= Ry Sal´s last blog ..The Sun Just Warmed Up… =-.
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Yeast then? Would you settle for my yeast?
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Happy birthday! Let me tell you why I must have a mushroom.
I teach high school psychology, and I am fortunate enough to get to speak about Freud’s psychosexual stages of development. Stage 3 is the Phallic Stage, and many students are unfamiliar with the term, “phallic.” Apparently “phallic” is no longer on the S.A.T. or something.
Therefore, if I win one of the lovely mushrooms, I will keep it on my desk as an example of something phallic. That will be much easier than going through many examples in my mind of things that are phallic. As you can see, my curriculum depends upon winning a mushroom. Consider it your contribution to the education of decades high school students. Elly, you would be shaping great minds of the future.
Scary, eh?
.-= Andrea´s last blog .."We Weren’t Born To Follow" =-.
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Shaping great minds? Can I shape them into large phalluses (phalli? phallelum?), bake them, cover them in latex, make them into molds, fill them with concrete, then paint them?
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Sure! Why not? Half of them are already there!
.-= Andrea´s last blog .."We Weren’t Born To Follow" =-.
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When Timothy Leary trips in heaven, I bet you he sees Flournoy glued to the Statue of David.
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…and spatulas wearing tutus.
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oooh…pretty…
I have absolutely no space in my life for a concrete mushroom. But I still like it. It goes nicely with the Alice in Wonderland phase I’m in…..did you know that there was a 1970′s MUSICAL PORN version? Yup….and it’s not actually any worse than the new Tim Burton version….
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Shut. Up.
*runs to youtube*
That was fantastic. (That’s what she said!) Thank you, Sarah. I had no idea how empty my life was.
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I aim to please.
I’m actually really proud of myself when I can find something weird you’ve never heard of. This has been a good week….first the Wine Rack, now musical porn…
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O, swear not by the shroom, th’inconstant shroom,
That Basidiomycote’s lovely cap,
Lest that thy love prove likewise hallucinogenic.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..I’ve changed my mind. =-.
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Well damn! Are you sure you’re the product of NC public schools?
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Yeast is a fungus, Elly. I would know. And that shroom would look awesome in my yard with the garden jawa I bought myself for christmas. (http://shop.starwars.com/catalog/product.xml?topcatID=1300264;product_sku=SWLFLGGJW1)
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Is he flashing a thumbs up or is that just a jawa gang sign?
So can I tell people I have a mushroom infection next time?
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Yes, please make my comment anonymous.
I do not want anyone to know that I read your blog because I’m quite a prude. I’m prim and proper, wear long, fluffy flowing skirts with 7 pairs of long underwear beneath. I blush whenever I read the word vagina.
However, your mushroom just made incredibly horny. My long underwear are soaked.
.-= Amanda@BrilliantSulk´s last blog ..Is It Friday Already? =-.
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Don’t sit too long in those wet undies or you’ll get a mushroom infection. Also? VAGINA!
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I fucking hate being last. Now I’ve missed out.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Open letter to the men in my house =-.
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I am just testing if I can actually leave a comment.
.-= Virginia´s last blog ..”Oh What a Night!" & I am burping Indian… =-.
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Yaaay! The last time, I left a really awesome comment on a blog that had one of these comment luv whatevs, I almost had to give up my first born, my dog, my car, my lip gloss collection along with Manolo. F – ohh! I was just about to swear like a lumberjack.
I stumbled in from somewhere and is it too early to say I may already love you.
I also love mushrooms because I am a funghi- get it? okay that’s old. That’s okay if I don’t win the mushroom thing because your cat already bit it. So I may not want it.
.-= Virginia´s last blog ..”Oh What a Night!" & I am burping Indian… =-.
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You can love me all you want. I think. On second thought, we should probably both get tested first.
We don’t swear here. Obviously. I’m a pillar of the community or something.
She didn’t actually bite it…yet. She may or may not have rubbed her ass on it just a little.
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I need it. I want to plant it in my glen where the magic ones grow. When one of my kids breaks their teeth on it, it’ll (maybe) persuade them they’ve had their quota..
Happy Birthday hon,
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Shit. I need a glen – preferably a magic one. Do you have unicorns for Flournoy to befriend?
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I once ate a mushroom named Sarah.
While traversing the mighty Sahara.
I chomped and I chewed
but when I was through
I had tiara coming out my derriere -ah.
(It’s not my usual jeweled area.)
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Would that be Assjazzling? Bungjazzling?
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Booyah.
.-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Ain’t No Thing =-.
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Cat not included. LOL! Darn!
Hey, I had pizza with mushrooms last night. How bout that? It was GOOD too. Place called Mama’s pizza. YUM!
.-= Angelia Sims´s last blog ..The Fine Art of Car Dancing =-.
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Double yum. I can eat the shit out of some shrooms. Then again, don’t many mushrooms grow in shit? Two birds, one shroom.
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I do go to drag shows and I think Miss Represented completely inspired. Love it :p)
.-= Pamajama´s last blog ..I’m So Surprised When People Allow Me Near Their Children =-.
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Peeps! She said one entry per comment! She didn’t say the wittiest comment gets the prize! Sheesh.
Pick me pick me pick me!! Oh oh oh. Pick me! I am jumping up and down like the Donkey at the end of Shrek. Oh pick me!! I will give the shroom to Andrea if I win cause I care about the future generation. Also I have too many penises in my house as is…
Happy anniversary my dear!
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one
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entry
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per
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comment?
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Hmmm. Good point, girlelec. Why the hell not? I’m going to make Rocco do all the cutting so might as well make him work for it, eh?
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Hey, wait a damn minute here, Elly, you don’t want me blowing your Blue Devil loving comment box up, now do you. Rocco will never forgive either of us for the shitstorm of comments I will force the drama Queen to sit here for the next two straight hours and send. Bwaaahahahahaha
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..What Ashley Judd and I Have In Common =-.
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i want it! make my sheet of paper a little bigger so Rocco picks it please! I have so muchroom for a mushroom…..
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Giggle. You should comment more often.
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I totally need to win. Not only did I comment in iambic pentameter, there are no penises (peniss? penii?) in my house. NOT A ONE.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..I’ve changed my mind. =-.
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I could recommend a few different models…
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THAT is the BEST conversation of the year so far.
It’s not just the misunderstanding. It’s the fact that he trusted your judgment enough to believe calling his mother “Dicko” was a good thing to do on her birthday.
And I need a mushroom.
.-= Sarah P´s last blog ..Your Friday Lenten Prayer Service, or How I Ruined the Curve for Everyone =-.
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Mayonaise. Definitely mayo. Blue.
jdfkahdjfkd
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Nuns Are Evil =-.
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Blue mayo? Ew.
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Also…Virginia I thought we worked this out. Are you now going to cheat on me with Elly Lou? I am saddened!
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Nuns Are Evil =-.
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CAT FIGHT!!!!
.-= subWOW´s last blog ..“precisely ninety-one centimeters from himself” =-.
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Don’t be sad! We’ll have a menage a blog.
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I think I will just sit here and quietly lick my tail.
(pfft. pfft. MEOWW!)
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Nuns Are Evil =-.
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Sure, what’s one more Fungi in the house? Happy Anniversary in advance. That should count for something right?
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You always count, muffin. Huh. Can you imagine a mushroom muffin? Blech.
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Stupid brothers! I have two. Both morons, which makes me feel better about myself, cuz I know I’m the smart one.
.-= Aunt Juicebox´s last blog ..Memoir Monday – I’m Back From Outer Space =-.
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Sadly I’m NOT the smarter one. I’ve got three. I’m not even the tall one, or the strong one, or the pretty one. At best, I’m the loud one.
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Once I ate so many mushrooms
That I wound up freaked out in the flush-room
I saw shells in the sky
and the water felt dry
Then a cop made me nark on a bridegroom.
The End.
.-= Hellachella´s last blog ..Morning cuteness: is it really real- or what? =-.
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Yeah um…it’s not THAT kind of mushroom. Unless you hit your head on him. Then you’ll definitely hallucinate.
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Mushroooooooomie!
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entering…
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…again!
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Wow. Not only am I commenting late, I’m also nowhere near as smart, funny, or amazing as your previous commenters.
You should feel so sorry for me that you let me win.
.-= Falling´s last blog ..Instructions for a Moment of Perfection =-.
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[...] ukeagy skills, the interpretive dance, the cleverness at getting away with calling his own mother Dicko on her birthday (but in the most loving possible way)… Who could [...]
[...] And sweet Grandma Dicko [...]