No Mom, It's Not About Heroin

Me: Hey Lady!

Mom: Hi Honey. I’m sitting here with your aunts…

Me: Hi guys!

The Aunts: Hi Elly Lou!

Mom: …and we’re singing Hallelujah and discussing the lyrics.

Me: Ok…

Mom: We want to know what it’s about.

Me: In my opinion? I mean, I’ve never really read any official statement from Leonard on the whole thing.

Mom: Sure.

Me: A really fucked up love affair.

Mom: Not heroin?

Me: Not that I’m aware of.

Sharon: “She broke your throne and cut your hair?”

Me: Yeah, she broke his spirit, his will — dominated him Samson and Delilah style. Are you familiar with S & M?

Shirley: What?

Mom: Not heroin?

Sharon: ..and this part? “There was a time when you let me know what’s really going on below, but now you never show that to me do ya?”

Me: She quit putting out. The love fizzled.

Sharon: “Remember when I moved in you and the holy God was moving too…”

Me: Sex.

Sharon: “…and from your lips she drew the hallelujah.”

Me: Well…he came.

Mom: *cough*

Shirley: What?

Sharon: I’ll explain it to you later.

Mom: So it’s NOT about heroin.

Me: This is why I thought it was so fucked up for KD Lang to sing it at the Olympics.

Sharon: I thought she sounded wonderful but she looked just awful. I really enjoyed her version.

Mom: Your Aunt Shirley still likes Jeff’s version better.

Me: That’s why I like Aunt Shirley the best.

Shirley: What?

Sharon: You’re her favorite.

Mom: And you’re absolutely SURE it’s not about heroin?

Me: Sorry Mom, I really think it’s about crazy S & M sex and a fucked up affair.

Mom: Ok.

Sharon: Have a good night, Elly Lou!

Me: You too!

Mom: Oh! Wait! Her girls explained the whole string of pearls thing to Sharon.

Me: You mean a pearl necklace?

Shirley: What?

It’s my mom’s birthday today.  No, she’s not Irish, she’s just bad ass.  I’m pretty sure she’d throw a hissy if I told you how old she is, so I’ll just say it ends with a zero.

I love you, Lady.  I’m awful glad you put up with all the ribbing I give you.  I sure do hope Dad give’s you a pearl necklace for your birthday, but just in case no one sends you anything, here’s a card that made me think of you (props to SubWOW).

Ok, ok, ok – that might have been over the line.  But seriously?

You made me brave.  You made me strong.  You made me a bit of a trouble maker (don’t EVEN try to blame it on Dad).  You made me grateful for giant belly laughs.  You made me love music.  You made me appreciate a well tailored jacket and comfortable shoes.  You made me an artist.  You made me fiercely opinionated and not ashamed of it.  You made me curse like a sailor.

You taught me to play in mud.  You taught me to laugh at myself.  You taught me the beauty of harmony.  You taught me how to be a good partner for my husband.  You taught me the fun of shock value.

You made me.  Like LITERALLY.  IN YOUR WOMB.  So…you know…thanks for that.

You continue to consistently support me every step of the way, even when you think what I’m doing is ridiculous.  You rule, Pegger the Kegger.  I love the shit out of you.  Happy Mother Fucking Birthday.

27 comments to No Mom, It’s Not About Heroin

  • You know, that card is even more disturbing because she’s handling desserts right afterward. *shudder*

    And you’re wrong about Hallelujah. It’s totally about heroin. Where have you been?
    .-= Debra She Who Seeks´s last blog ..Sunshine Award! =-.


    Kneading bread would have been better?


  • I feel like a complete retard. I thought that was some sort of religious song that would be sung in church. I was way the fuck off when I read the lyrics. Holy cats!

    Of the posts where you’ve talked about your mom, she sounds pretty great. Kudos to her for letting you use her uterus as your first apartment, letting you slide down her insides, and letting you be the crazy person you have become. Who you are is the greatest gift you can give her.

    Hope that doesn’t suck.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..People Weird me out Sometimes =-.


    My mom – the world’s coolest slip and slide. That was just lovely.


  • Christine

    I always loved hanging out at your house when we were kids, b/c your parents encouraged us to play our music as loudly as we wanted, do fun crafty things, and tolerated our pre-teen vocabularies that weren’t always the cleanest. I also enjoyed listening to your family’s banter. No wonder you evolved into the original person you did! Happy, happy birthday, Mrs. L!!!


    Aw! Did we curse as teens? Gosh darnit all to heck I can’t remember ever cursing.


  • It’s not about heroin? Damn. Hmmn. Okay (sitting crossed legged, getting comfy), so what’s Bird on the Wire all about, then?

    For what it’s worth, I think your ma has reason to be proud of the job she’s done.
    .-= Shrinky´s last blog ..House on Fire =-.


    Animal husbandry?


  • I haven’t met your mom and your aunts, but OMJ I love them!! Like, would cook dinner and make drinks for them, just for the entertainment!

    Happy birthday to the woman who made our precious Elly! Now, umm, can you do something about her blue devil problem????
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Multi-Tasking Is A Pain In The Ass…And Happy St Fucking Patrick’s Day =-.


    She’s a Duke fan, too. Sorry sucka. You can still cook dinner and make drinks for them. :)


  • Your mother needs a crown. Can you please get right on that? And tell her happy birthday for me and that I love what she’s done with you!!!!!!!


    Will do! I can’t promise it will be diamond encrusted, but it will probably be crusted with something.


  • Hey, we have some crowns at Craven Allen Gallery. I’ll send you some pics, we can see if there is one for Peggy. There are sceptres too…


    I don’t think we should give her potential weapons.


  • Did they know this when they made SHREK?!?!?

    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..The Time I Went to a Gay Bar – (A TMI Thursday) =-.


    Don’t get me started on “I’m a Believer.”


  • There is so much I want to say about this post. I don’t know where to begin. Laughter and tears are involved. Let me just say this one thing: Please adopt me! Even Aunt Shirley and Aunt Sharon. Just adopt me.

    And to Elly’s badass mother blogging mom, Happy belated birthday. And thank you for making Elly instead of getting a pearl necklace.



    You’re adorable.


  • I’m so glad to know my interpretation of the lyrics was correct. It’s always stumped me why they put that song in a kid’s movie. It’s one of Sean’s favorite songs and I’m kind of afraid to ask why. I mean, there are some things a mom doesn’t want to know and I already know far to many of those. The family that overshares…well, I’m pretty sure you know all about that!

    Happy freaking birthday to Elly’s too cool mom!!


    PS~ if we’re thinking in terms of a uterus being a first apartment, do you think I could collect backrent from my kids??
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more… =-.


    Well, depending on how much damage they did, you could probably at least keep their deposit, right?


  • Dear Elly’s Mom – I always thought it was about heroin too.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Ain’t No Thing =-.


  • If further proof be needed – check out some of Leonard Cohen’s other songs. In I’m Your Man there’s ‘I’ll wear a mask for you’ and ‘the chain’s too tight’, and what about ‘Dance Me To The End Of Love’ with ‘touch me with your naked hand, touch me with your glove…’

    Lord of the Dance, however, IS about Heroin. Obviously.
    .-= BrokenBiro´s last blog ..My mum’s a Bond villain =-.


  • I hear Michael Flatley is LIKE heroin.


  • Kimme

    Well, what can I say? I’m not one of the clever or artsy Middleton’s but I sit in awe of all the “Aunts”. They are a great bunch of women! Happy Birthday (belated) Aunt Peg! Thanks for the happy times you showed me over the years!


    Pshh. You’re even more clever. After all, your dad was the funniest Middleton of them all. Hugs.


  • [...] less probing questions for this weeks Questions For A Blogger. By the way any one who can say Happy Mother Fucking Birthday in a birthday post to their mother is my [...]

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