Me: Hey Lady!
Mom: Hi Honey. I’m sitting here with your aunts…
Me: Hi guys!
The Aunts: Hi Elly Lou!
Mom: We want to know what it’s about.
Me: In my opinion? I mean, I’ve never really read any official statement from Leonard on the whole thing.
Me: A really fucked up love affair.
Mom: Not heroin?
Me: Not that I’m aware of.
Sharon: “She broke your throne and cut your hair?”
Me: Yeah, she broke his spirit, his will — dominated him Samson and Delilah style. Are you familiar with S & M?
Mom: Not heroin?
Sharon: ..and this part? “There was a time when you let me know what’s really going on below, but now you never show that to me do ya?”
Me: She quit putting out. The love fizzled.
Sharon: “Remember when I moved in you and the holy God was moving too…”
Sharon: “…and from your lips she drew the hallelujah.”
Me: Well…he came.
Sharon: I’ll explain it to you later.
Mom: So it’s NOT about heroin.
Me: This is why I thought it was so fucked up for KD Lang to sing it at the Olympics.
Sharon: I thought she sounded wonderful but she looked just awful. I really enjoyed her version.
Mom: Your Aunt Shirley still likes Jeff’s version better.
Me: That’s why I like Aunt Shirley the best.
Sharon: You’re her favorite.
Mom: And you’re absolutely SURE it’s not about heroin?
Me: Sorry Mom, I really think it’s about crazy S & M sex and a fucked up affair.
Sharon: Have a good night, Elly Lou!
Me: You too!
Mom: Oh! Wait! Her girls explained the whole string of pearls thing to Sharon.
Me: You mean a pearl necklace?
It’s my mom’s birthday today. No, she’s not Irish, she’s just bad ass. I’m pretty sure she’d throw a hissy if I told you how old she is, so I’ll just say it ends with a zero.
I love you, Lady. I’m awful glad you put up with all the ribbing I give you. I sure do hope Dad give’s you a pearl necklace for your birthday, but just in case no one sends you anything, here’s a card that made me think of you (props to SubWOW).
Ok, ok, ok – that might have been over the line. But seriously?
You made me brave. You made me strong. You made me a bit of a trouble maker (don’t EVEN try to blame it on Dad). You made me grateful for giant belly laughs. You made me love music. You made me appreciate a well tailored jacket and comfortable shoes. You made me an artist. You made me fiercely opinionated and not ashamed of it. You made me curse like a sailor.
You taught me to play in mud. You taught me to laugh at myself. You taught me the beauty of harmony. You taught me how to be a good partner for my husband. You taught me the fun of shock value.
You made me. Like LITERALLY. IN YOUR WOMB. So…you know…thanks for that.
You continue to consistently support me every step of the way, even when you think what I’m doing is ridiculous. You rule, Pegger the Kegger. I love the shit out of you. Happy Mother Fucking Birthday.