I drove all the way to North Carolina to bond with my dad and escape the cold yet here we sit surrounded by drifts of white, icky snow. Hoo-motherfucking-Ray.
Both Born in the Sixties
Our oldest brother Mike managed to land just before the snow hit. We spent the morning listening to him quote recipes from an old cookbook. Here’s a little window into our conversation. You’re welcome.
Mike: Mother’s Salad Quickie…
Me: Is it tossed by any chance?
Mike: It’s frozen. With cherries.
Rocco: I’m going to go wash my balls.
Mike: Mmmm. Seafood Salad Supreme! Wait, Whipped Wonder! In the dessert section I found Cucumber Mouse. It includes Lime Jello, too. Green Goddess Seafood Mold – it has two layers. There’s a lemon layer with crab and lobster, and a lime layer with sour cream, mayonnaise and anchovies. *silence from the room, pages flip* Gumdrop Salad – marshmallows, grapes, garlic powder – no jello.
Dad: What was the publication date on that again?
Mike: 1968. For some reason, Fisherman’s Feast has brussel sprouts.
Mom: A lot of people in my day always put mayonnaise on their jello. I never understood that.
Mike: Now I’m into the Brazilian Salads.
Thom: Just a patch of hair down the middle? *reads over my shoulder, rolls eyes* Why did I think that would make it into the blog?
Mike: Flesh Salad. Veal, capers, apples, eggs, pickles – it’s from Germany.
Thom: Jews?
Mike: *ignoring* HERRING SALAD! Oooh! I’m on to Appetizers! Zippy Tomato Drinks
Mom: Bojangles is open.
Me: Did you call to find out?
Mom: They just announced it on the news.
Mike: CHEESE BOXES!
Thom: Is that when you’ve had a yeast infection for a few days?
Mike: *still ignoring* Bacon Bits!!
Mom: Did I send you the thing on coffee filters?
Mike: Hospitality Liver Spread!
Me: Yes. But we don’t use filters. Not even verbal or mental filters.
Mike: Clam Canapes! Zippy and peppy – those are two words I don’t hear us use much in normal conversation anymore.
Thom: Unless you’re talking about nipples.
Mike: One of us needs to have twins and name them Zippy and Peppy.
Thom: Good news is they’re not gender specific.
Me: The nipples or the names?
Dad: Now, if I remember correctly there was a Zipporah in the family.
Mike: Elly, do you have happy peaches?
Me: *blink, blink*
Dad: Zipporah Lonon.
Thom: I don’t think she ever expected to hear a brother ask her that.
Mom: Maybe we should go to the shopping center.
Mike: The one over yonder?
Mom: Is Drew coming up?
Mike: They’re waiting for High Point to finish with the snow plow so it can clean up Durham. Ooooh Swedish Meatballs.
Mom: Why isn’t the sound up on the TV? He’s making motions and I can’t hear what he’s saying!
Rocco: Wait, Swedish Meatballs are in the Salad cookbook?
Mom: Dad liked those.
Mike: Dad likes meatballs in his oatmeal?
Dad: Apple butter and gingersnaps. Yum.
Mom: Sharon gave me a Beef Stew recipe with cinnamon in it.
Mike: How about some Sprightly Sprouts?
Thom: I might poo again.
Me: What was the tuna one again?
Mike: Tuna-Lime Ring?
Me: Yes!
Mike: Do you wanna see the picture?
Me: *clapping* There’s a picture?
Mom: I’m going to go in the other room so I can hear the TV.
Thom: *looking at picture* I’ve seen sex toys that look more like food.
I think that’s more than enough, don’t you? Because I’m such a giver and I miss you all terribly, I’m going to share the recipe for the Tuna-Lime Ring from Volume III of the Favorite Recipes of America. Yet again, you’re welcome. Try not to throw up in your mouth.
Tuna-Lime Ring
Tell Me That's Not Appetizing
2 3-oz pkg. lime gelatin
2 c. boiling water
2 c. cold water
1 c. dairy sour cream
2 7-oz. cans tuna, drained
1/2 c. chopped celery
1/4 c/ chopped can pimento
1 tbsp. dehydrated minced onion
3 tbsp. vinegar
Cucumber Slices
ParsleyDissolve gelatin in boiling water. Add cold water; chill until slightly thickened. Beat in sour cream until smooth. Turn into an 8-inch ring mold. Chill until firm. Combine tuna, celery, pimento, onion and vinegar; mix well. Unmold lime ring onto serving platter. Fill center with tuna mixture. Garnish with cucumber and parsley. Yield: 6 servings.
While you whip up this tasty dish for lunch, you can decide for yourselves which is more messed up – my family or that recipe. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Wow, do you hear that!
It’s been like that a whole ten minutes.
I think you’ve rendered the blogisphrere speechless!
Probably just rushing out to get the lime jello and canned pimentos.
“Pimentos” may be the grossest word in the history of all time. Dad had a pimento sandwich for lunch yesterday. Ick-er.
“Salads, including appetizers” is part of a 5 volume set that also includes: “Desserts, including Party Drinks”, “Meats, including fish and poultry”, “Vegetables, including fruits”, and “Casserole, including breads”.
Available used, from $32 plus shipping, through Amazon’s Market Place. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000CLV7RC/sr=1-1/qid=1264873366/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1264873366&sr=1-1&seller=
I’m pissing out of my ass just looking at that thing …
Miss Spoken´s last blog ..The Whore’s Head
I hope that only happens in the shower.
And, I have to say thanks to your Mom as I’m very much diggin’ on the “thing on Coffee Filters”
Is there such a thing as non-dairy sour cream?
Is it weird that out of your whole post, that’s what struck me the most: “dairy sour cream?”
I’m pretty darn sure there is! I’ll have to ask my vagitarians to confirm, but right now I’d say yes. Ok definitely yes: http://www.godairyfree.org/Food-to-Eat/Shopping-List/Non-Dairy-Alternatives-Sour-Cream-Whipped-Cream-Yogurt-Tofu.html
They just don’t sell any of it in Wisconsin.
I definitely a vagitarian! Not quite like being a pepper though is it?
Wait, you didn’t answer the question……happy peaches, or no? ROFLMAO
Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Girls……..Playing The Numbers Game
My peaches are currently frozen.
I would like to have this word:
“Hoo-motherfucking-Ray”
on a tshirt- crediting your blog, natch.
Love and blog smooches!
m
marymac´s last blog ..WTF Happened to PJ&C?!?!
I’m going to have it embroidered on a sweat band for Richard Simmons.
I believe the cookbook comes in a very distant second in the messed-up race to your family and those who marry into it.
And if I ever do get my date with Thom, I have perfect – colored chloroform rag to accent the occasion.
I’m tearing up at the mere thought of seeing you drag Thom drugged body down the aisle.
For like the first time ever I was astounded by another family’s conversation. And yet, the cookbook totally wins the “who’s more fucked up race” because who the hell puts lime jello anywhere near tuna??! Two things that don’t even belong in the same kitchen. Do you think everyone was just too drunk in the late 60’s early 70’s to care that they were eating disgusting stuff or do you think they were adventurous??
♥Spot
PS~ thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. =]
Spot´s last blog ..My "fairy-tale" marriage…
They were all swingers. Everything smelled like tuna. Why not lime jello, too?
This is so unfair. I do not have any brothers, and please please please can I have yours?? PLEASE. You’re welcome to join the family too, but I have seven sisters so I’m especially partial to brothers and I love yours.
Andrea´s last blog .."On the Radio"
They’re actually more work than sisters. They really need to hear how pretty they look on an hourly basis.
I am totally dizzy reading all of that… I agree though, I’ve seen sex toys that look more like food!
Eternally Distracted´s last blog ..Reasons why I’ll never return to the UK…
I just assumed you have to disguise your toys as food to get them into the country.
Ok, fine… I’ll be the only one on here that says “I’d eat that”. Then again, It’s not unusual to hear me say that.
Sorry about your frozen peaches…
KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..Where do you Want it?