This morning, while waiting for the green light to condone another cup of espresso, I turned to my husband and whispered, “I’m drinking coffee. Willingly. I’m a suburban housewife that drives her TWO kids through the two-lane streets of Jersey. In a minivan. That drinks coffee.” I glanced down at the now deflated foam of my cappuccino. “What the fuck happened?”
Changes. Woof. So to calm myself down (apparently drinking too much coffee can make you anxious – we coffee novices don’t know these things), I’ve compiled this list of 25 things that were true for 22 year old Manhattan-dwelling, career-having Elly and remain true for 37 year old Jersey-dwelling, lactating Elly.
- I hate Rod Stewart.
- And techno.
- I love a good vagina joke.
- No good can come of being awake at 4am.
- Sometimes refined sugar and caffeine are the solution.
- I need to spend more money on bras.
- There’s no such thing as “too much sleep.”
- When all I want is to enjoy a beer alone, some dude starts ogling my tits and the night ends with me covered in puke.
- There are three men snoring in my bed.
- I don’t wash my sheets often enough.
- If I remember to put on music, the day feels shorter.
- Just not Rod Stewart. Or techno.
- The bulk of my day is spent cleaning up other people’s shit.
- My attention span is somewhat
- I consume entirely too many chicken fingers.
- Taco Bell always sounds like a good idea.
- When the hot water goes, so does all hope for humanity.
- At the end of a long day, I’d rather let Rod Stewart serenade my vagina than return phone calls.
- Meals choices are made based on my ability to eat them cold and with my fingers.
- I say, “Let’s see what’s in those pants,” surprisingly often.
- Also, “I’m not going to play ‘Where’s Mine Penis’ right now.”
- My bathroom floor is uncomfortably sticky.
- I’d let Rod Stewart serenade my vagina in exchange for an hour alone with a good book.
- I’d rather listen to techno remixes of Rod Stewart songs than face a pregnancy.
- I just might marry the next guy to buy me a nice dinner.
In case that was at all vague earlier, I had another kid. Two boys. Because I never want to sleep again. Obvs.
But? He’s pretty beautiful. And I figured I ought to share with you lovely people…
The latest (and last) thing I made with my vagina.
Five years. Some times that feels like five seconds. Sometimes five lifetimes.
It’s undergrad. A novel. An apprenticeship. A marriage. A thesis. A prognosis. A job. A career. A lifetime.
Normally, I wait and write about my trips to see Aloysius after they happen. I suppose I’m a little superstitious and prefer to not jinx anything. But [...]
There’s always something about the arrival of Fall that I find deeply comforting.
Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely love Summer. I love her reliability – her near-constant light and temperatures. Once you hit 90, can you really discernibly tell if the temperature continues to rise?
I love breezes, water, cold drinks (even the ones without alcohol in [...]
I need a piece of corn.
Let’s try this again:
Last week, I planted a mess of seedlings I’d been nurturing for months outside in some raised garden beds I recently built. They’re dead now. Apparently, you’re supposed to ease them outside, harden them, prepare them – not just shove ‘em in some mud and expect them to [...]
So first? I think we need to acknowledge this video exists.
Second? I can’t lift my arms. That’s not really true. It’s called “creative license,” people. Also it’s called “Elly decided that after pining for a yard of her own her whole damn life be damned if she’s going to wait another fucking minute to [...]
Why yes, I am talking to you, you fetching specimen, you. You.
So part of the problem with having a long delay between posts (or uke videos) is that whole gee-I-should-probably-wait-until-I-can-come-back-with-something-amazing-before-I-think-about-posting-again feeling.
But I’ve missed you people, damnit. And making things. Other than breast milk. (And yes, I did eventually stop doing that. Can you believe that announcement [...]
On the one hand, it feels like I need to come back with something profound and insightful after a six month break. (SIX MONTHS! Let’s just shelve that for now,shall we? Because I’m overwhelmed enough by the simple act of trying to write again without explaining the past six months.) On the other, we could all [...]
I promised myself I’d finally get Paul’s birth story written in time for his first birthday.
This is not that story.
There are a few reasons why, but only one that really matters – I’m still not ready. I’m really not even ready to read the notes I took during that first week in the NICU. I may [...]
Due to a most unfortunate incident involving a large piece of foam, a utility knife, and one of my fretting fingers, there was no uke last week. Or this week. Maybe not next week either. Typing has been a little tricky. Also my reupholstering project is indefinitely on hold.
All the fingers on my right hand are [...]
So this video pretty much sums up my life right now – a wonderful failure.
Absolutely nothing is going how I’d hoped or planned, but I’m starting to be ok with that. Life is all about managing expectations and adapting, right? So my house smells like fermenting yogurt and I’ve been wearing the same pair of pants [...]